Oh what a little love can do

So, yes, its been a loooong time since Ive posted. Trust me. Its not been intentional. We have just been living life, and some things become a little less important. This is just happened to be one of those things. But Im trying to get back in the groove. Ive missed blogging!

My last little update was about how I entered into a life of non-singleness :P And well. Im still there!

Let me tell you a little about this man. He is amazing. From our first few dates, I knew I was going to be with him. The girls love him. Sometimes I think they love him more than I do lol. We get along so good. We dont fight about anything. If we have a disagreement, its gone faster than it came. I never knew that even existed in a relationship. We have been together about 9 months now. About 4 months ago, the girls and I moved in with him. Financially, he wanted to help more. And allow me to stay home with my girls. Did I mention he is amazing? We sit at home at night and watch useless tv together. He rubs my legs and feet. The smallest things are the best things. The nights when we dont do anything mean the most. He is great with the girls. We get in shaving cream fights. Have popcorn and movie nights, pajama days where we run errands in our jammies. The girls have 2 parents who love making memories with them. And I have seen how it has impacted them in the best way possible.

So here we are. A family of 4. All under one roof. As all of my friends say, Its about time!!

"The only thing constant is change"

Change seems to be a pretty constant theme in my life. And most of the time, the change is not by choice. But this round of change is all on me. I will accept full responsibility for this. Proudly :)

I havent blogged in a while. So these will seem like they are coming out of nowhere.

Change 1: I no longer work at Teletech. As thankful as I am to have gotten that job when I did, after being laid off from my job last year, the job sucked. With a capitol S. The company was horrible to work for. They treated thier employees like crap. And after several times of being a direct hit of how they treat people, I couldnt take it anymore. So after voicing my opinion on what I think of how they treated me, my boss sat me down and had a talk with me. He said if I didnt like the way things were done, maybe I didnt need to work there. It seemed logical enough. And we came to a mutual agreement, and I left. I was surprisingly not nervous or scared or worried about not having a job. Just relieved not to have to go back to a place that made me so miserable and took so much time away from my girls.

Change 2: In keeping with the job theme, leaving one job usually warrants a new job not too far behind. And in this case, i was extremely blessed to have a friend that works at a hotel that just happened to be hiring. And as soon as I quit teletech, I had an interview the next day at the hotel and started the very next day. Im thankful. Very thankful of how that worked out.

However, the hotel pays minimum wage. And thats not going to get me very far. And my friend as well as my boss at the hotel were very understanding that it would by no means be a permanent job for me. I couldnt have asked for a better situation to fall in my lap. So after 2 weeks of working there, I was able to quit and work at home. I am back doing in home daycare. It works for us. 1...Im saving like $450 a month in daycare for my 2 girls. 2...I can be home with them and help work through some things (i will get to that later) and 3...Ive missed my kids like crazy! Working 100+ hours every 2 weeks at Teletech really took its toll on the girls and I.

Change 3. And this is probably the biggest change and most shocking...At least for me.

I am no longer living the single life. Yes. You read that right. !!!!!!!

I know. Im kicking myself for not writing about this sooner. Because I cant even begin to explain to you how I feel about this new journey of my life. We have been dating for a couple of months now. And this guy is just simply amazing. AH-Mazing. I love him so much. Yep. I said it. Im in love. Madly in love. And its the real deal. He makes me smile everyday. Its an incredible feeling.

Usually change works against me. And is completely on the other team instead of rooting in my favor. But for the first time, in a very long time, Im up one point. And happier than I have been for equally as long. :)

Finally some nice weather!

Im off today, and it is absolutely beautiful outside. The weather here lately has been quite indecisive. It goes from freezing cold-frost-on-the-windshield type weather to flip flop and picnic type weather over night. Yesterday was amazing, but I was stuck at work inside all day. By the time I got home last night, we had just enough time to eat and take baths and get in bed. When we woke up this morning, I was happy to see that the warm weather decided to stick around and we would be able to enjoy it today.

Emma is at school, and Mady is taking a nap, and I have been stuck in the house most of the week, so I decided to bring my laptop outside, sit on my front porch, and relax. Though I must say, this one little chair I have out here, is not going to cut it if I plan on spending more time out here this year. I may need to invest in some actual patio furniture of some sort. And the more I sit out here, the more this spot by my front door looks like the perfect place to put a little flower bed. Yep. We are giong to attempt to keep flowers alove this year!

I made a few phone calls today to OTC and Cox Radiology Program. Im just trying to find out everything that I need to do to enroll for school and see exactly what Im getting in to. It looks like I will have to take some prerequisites at OTC before I can enroll in the radiology program at Cox. And I have to get those classes done by Feb 1st 2012 to be considered for the program that starts in the fall of 2012. I didnt figure it would be so long before I could start in the program, but I guess since there are requirements I need to get done, time is a good thing. The whole application process is a little stressful. They only accept so many people each year. And theres no guarantee that I would be chosen to start right away. But. I still have to try. I am going to do this :)

The whole court thing with Kanen is over. And the outcome is not ideal. And definately not what I was secretly hoping would happen. But its over none the less. He accepted the plea bargain. He plead guilty to the charge. And in return, he was slapped with a misdemeanor for child endangerment, 2 years supervised probabtion, court ordered alcohol treatment, not to consume alcohol at all and no contact with me or Emma, and ordered not to be on the premises of any establishment where alcohol is the main area of sale. he will also have to do random, and weekly testing for alcohol consumption. If he violates any of the terms, he will be sentenced to 1 year in the greene county jail. And between me and you...the odds of him violating any of those terms are fairly good. Im counting on the fact that he cant stop drinking for anything. I know this man better than the courts do. And its just a matter of time.

I am thankful that all the stress of the situation is over and behind me. I am just about through all of this court stuff. 1 down. 2 to go lol. And both of the other 2 things should be done this month. At least Im hoping it wont be drug out any longer.

The sun disappeared :( It honestly looks like it could rain any minute. Which, would be just fine with me. A nice sunny day we were able to enjoy, and a rainy evening we could enjoy even more :)

Its almost time to wake Mady up to go get her sister from school. The girls are excited for a yummy dinner, and Im suprising them by making some homemade banana carrot muffins for breakfast in the morning. They LOVE to help me bake!

Im glad life has calmed down again, and we can actually do this kind of stuff again. Although, i do have to admit, this week I havent done anything. I feel lazy. And at the end of the day, I feel guilty that I didnt do anything. I feel like theres something important that Im putting off, even though Im pretty sure theres nothing of the sort. I am so used to being on the go 24/7 that relaxing is foreign to me lol. But Im enjoying remembering how to do it again :)

Time to try it again

When I first graduated high school, I decided to enroll in some local college with a friend. A crappy school....that doesnt even exist anymore lol. One of those that has literally changed names 10 times since I went. I thought it was a good idea. But after going for 2 months, i realized what a joke it was. I was doing crafts in a communications class. So I just quit going. Call me a quitter. But it was a waste of time. I had to pay for the initial student loan that I used the first semester. Which was about $2500. Being 18, and stupid, I just let it go. Well now, several years later, I am not able to go to school because of these default student loans. As a single mom, I qualify for tons of grants and help to go to school, and I cant take advantage of any of it because of these loans that are haunting me. I really want to go to school. While my girls are young. And do something for us, and for myself. Its important to me to show my girls that any0ne can do it, including me. And I want for them to be proud of me, and who I am as thier mom. So this year, I decided its time to take care of these loans. Its my first year getting an actual tax return that I've claimed the girls. So it was pretty nice. And although I hated to see the money, over half of it, go, its a good feeling to know I can plan to go back to school soon.

I got a letter in the mail today from the loan company. Its a "Paid in Full" letter. My loans are paid off!!! The best piece of mail Ive recieved in a long time let me tell you. So now. My loans are paid. And I cant think of a better time to look into going back to school. :)

Love is Patient

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps records of no wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass.

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. And for good reason. Its beautiful. I havent always been a Christian. Growing up, I never went to church. It wasnt until I was in high school that I went, and that was not very often. So I dont know the Bible. Everytime I hear something, its brand new to me. I first heard this verse in a movie. Some sappy love story. A Walk to Remember to be more exact. I love this movie still. But this verse has stuck in my head for years. Its one of very few I can quote.

Ive gone through life, and through relationships thinking I know what love is. But, if we're being honest, I dont know what true love is. I have never loved someone with all my heart. I dont know what it is to be in love. Sure. I thought I loved someone. Or 2 people. But now, looking back, and seeing myself with those people, I wasnt in love. Nor were either of those relationships healthy.

So. As you know (assuming you've followed and read my blog up until this point) Ive done a great deal of healing up until now. And this verse has a whole new meaning to me. Ive always looked at it like other people's 'love' was supposed to look this way. I thought because I didnt have a love like that, it just wasnt for me. But now, I can see that this is the way love is supposed to be. For everyone. And to get this kind of love, you have to have this kind of love with God first. And I can only say that because this is where I am. Through everything, Ive never given up on God. Though, sometimes I doubt Him, and He tests me even more.

Sometimes, I get lonely. Thank goodness Ive been so busy lately to forget how lonely I do get. But I do sometimes wonder why I am having todo everything on my own. Not that I need someone, but life might not be so hard if I wasnt doing it alone. I dont know. I read this verse, and still believe that someday I will have a love just like that. Its this whole waiting part that gets to me sometimes. Love is patient though right? :)

Today I am thankful

I find myself constantly talking about picking up the pieces in my blogs. People, events, and life in general seem to have it out for me pretty bad. (ok. So Im dramatic)

Ive talked alot lately about the not so good stuff in my life. With all the chaos, its hard to stop and think of all the good stuff in my life. So. Im calling a time out from my drama, and focus on the blessings!

Did I ever mention that the girls and I moved?! How did I overlook that? I dont know. But its true. We FINALLY moved! Our little apartment, and I do mean little, is adorable. I love it here. The girls love it here. They love thier brand new bunk beds even more. And Im sure they would be really excited if I put a mattress on the top bunk so they could actually sleep up there. But truth be told, mommy is a sissy. And it makes me beyond nervous to let my little, clumsy 5 year old sleep on a top bunk. I will, sooner or later, have to give in. Soon.

When we moved, I was going to take the girls out of daycare and pay my mom to watch them when I work. I absolutely love our daycare. But its expensive. Even with my state assistance, its $420 a month. So, I walked in a few days after we got settled in to our apartment, and gave our notice to the owner. She told me, and I quote, "You cant take the girls from us!" I explained how I just couldnt afford rent, daycare, utilites, ect. And told her that I was going to pay my mom about $60 a week to watch the girls. And she, without hesitation, said, "If I drop your fee to $60 a week, will you keep them here?" Um..yeah! So my children get to continue going to an amazing daycare, with thier friends, and one of the best teachers in the state of missouri. Again. Blessing.

Last, but not least. I am the proud owner of an iPad. Im as shocked as you are. I am the most technologically challenged person you will ever come across. I dont even know what an iPad is. Or what it does. But Im learning. And I love it :) I will tell my little story/testimony.

A friend from church is going on a mission trip to Uganda in June. So she had this huge giveaway to help raise money for it. You could do a $20 donation for a chance to win and iPad and a $10 donation for a chance to win an iPod Touch. This giveaway had been going on for about 2 weeks. I wasnt able to donate anything because it was between paychecks for me. I got paid on the very last day of the giveaway. I had to take Emma to AR to see her dad. So I got home and settled about 9pm. I got online to check my bank statement, and realized I got paid more than I expected because of overtime. I saw a post on my facebook that her giveaway was ending in 45 minutes, and decided to go ahead and donate since I made some extra money. Im a faithful tither. But instead of tithing my extra money, I was excited to help her out.

Here's her blog about my testimony to her.

http://hymanshouse.blogspot.com/2011/03/it-couldnt-have-gone-to-better-person.html

Yet again. A blessing. In disguise :)

I do, more times than not, focus so much on all the bad stuff I go through. All the bad stuff that happens in my life...I forget to stop and appreciate what God has blessed me with. He shows me all the time in little subtle ways that He is there. But I have blinders on. I totally miss and overlook His love because all I can see is what He's doing wrong (or what I think is wrong) in my life. I need to step out from behind these blinders and learn to be thankful for this life Ive been given. Afterall, God did choose this life for me. And everything that's happened up until this point is all part of His plan for me. I cant get to where Im going without passing these hurdles first.

So, today, I am thankful. Even if nothing extraordinary happened, I am thankful just for today.

A cherry, with a bow, sprinkles and the icing on the cake

When you hear the saying 'icing on the cake', most of the time it means good things. The one last thing that ties it all together. Ive taken it a step further, added sprinkles, a cherry and a bow. But in my case, this is not an endearing statement.

Going back a few days, weeks or even months would be more than sufficient to tell my 'icing on the cake' story. But, just because today has been one of those days, we are going to go back a few years and get you up to speed.

I dont talk about my ex too much, or our relationship, or our breakup. But most people, people that Im close to at least, know the history. We were together for 3 years or so. And from the beginning, it was far from a fairy tale. But I went about life. I had 2 amazing kids that kept me going. My ex is an extreme alcoholic. But, for the most part, it didnt affect me. We didnt spend much time together. I lived in the house, and he...well, he lived in the garage. Yes. You read that right. The garage. We lived 2 seperate lives. It seemed to work for us for a long time. But somewhere in our relationship, things turned angry. I was miserable. He was mad. And life just got out of control. In the middle of what was supposed to be my happily ever after, I literally had a nervous breakdown. And it was all downhill from there. 6 months later, one night while I was at work, this man that I supposedly loved, decided that he was going to let his alcohol act for him, and he hurt my baby girl. And that was the end of that. I knew leaving him was the right thing to do. I hadnt been happy in a long time, and as much as I regret letting things get to that degree, it gave me the wake up call I needed to leave. this would be the cake

So, a single mom of 2, working a job paying minumum wage, I did life on my own.

For the first time in 7 years. I hit every speed bump imaginable. From having my best friend of 10 years turn her back on me, to being laid off from a job. From living in the 'ghetto' and literally having strangers bust through to my living room fighting, to being too broke to move on my own and living with my parents. And everything in between. this would be the icing

So now, in present day, Ive been picking up the pieces. This seems to be an ongoing trend in my life. Things have been falling back into place, and quiet in my life...which is the way I like it.

Until.....the past few weeks. When my whole world has turned upside down again.

Out of nowhere, I get a call from the prosecuting attorney asking me to come in for a deposition on my ex's case (he is being charged with child abuse) This happened 2 years ago. And everything has been a slow, long, drawn out process. Come to find out, he was arrested for domestic assualt on his wife. And facing another felony. So the court decided to put move everything up and get things going. My deposition was horrible. It was with the defense attorney. And, Im pretty sure he didnt like me too well. Ive never felt so inadequate in my entire life. He questioned everything I said, asked about my past (a ticket from 10 years ago!) questioned me as a mom. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. But I just looked at it that I am doing it for my child. Im taking her place so she doesnt have to go through this. And Im standing up for her when she cant. Thats the only way I can look at it. Trial is April 4th. Im sure, judging by how my deposition went, that it is going to be 10 times worse. this would be the sprinkles

Along with this stress, I find out some not so good information from my girls about thier grandma (his mom) They go see her every week. Or they did. The situation with her is a whole other story. So lets just say that my girls told me a few instances and occurances that I am definately not ok with, so I stopped letting her see them. After a few weeks of her sending me threatening texts and emails, and leaving me nasty voicemails, calling me every name in the book, telling me she will have my kids taken from me, and threatening me with the most riduculous of threats, she went quiet. I knew that wasnt a good thing. But i sure wasnt going out of my way to find out what she was up to. Then, last week, I was served a summons at work. I assumed it was for this whole thing with my ex. Until I saw her name on it. Turns out, shes taking me to court for grandparents rights! Shes requesting overnight visitation once a week with Mady. Seriously. I wish people would just leave me alone and let me and my kids live our life. I obviously have been letting her see them up until this point, no questions asked, so theres a valid reason Im not! This makes me very angry if you cant tell. this would be the cherry

And this brings me to today. The bow on the cherry, on top of the sprinkles and icing on the cake.

I was getting ready to leave Republic and go see my best friend. We were going to get our nails done, and enjoy an afternoon of relaxing and not worrying about anything. Until...yep you knew it was coming. I got pulled over. Turns out, my tags are expired. And these Republic cops have super vision and can see my tiny little sticker from a parking lot 2 miles away from me. I was expecting a ticket for sure. What I wasnt expecting, was for this cop, who I advised was not my best friend today, to tell me he was going to have to take me to jail. Did you get that?? J-A-I-L. He informed me it was for a warrant I had from 2008 for a failure to appear for a ticket I got for not registering a vehicle in my name. Or something along those lines. I still havent figured out all the details. I, for 1, have never got a ticket for any such thing. Ive never not had a vehicle registered in my name. And 2, (dont think Im bad) but I have been pulled over 5 times since 2008, and this has NEVER been brought up! EVER! Theres nothing on my record, no active warrants, and no kind of ticket/case from 2008 for me. Trust me, I had my sister do some investigating today, and nothing turned up. So I dont understand. The police officer doesnt understand. Now, on top of all the other court crap I have to deal with, I now have to go to court for this mysterious warrant.

I honestly have no idea how in the world I stay sane dealing with all this. Im a natural worry-er. But I give up worrying. Somehow, this crazy little mess I call my life, will be at a point where I can once again pick up the pieces. Until then, I think Im going to enjoy some of that cake :)

It never fails....

Today is my day off, and of course, Im sick. This is how it always works. At least Im not sick and having to miss work I guess.

So to date, I have lost 15 pounds. Not too bad :) I thought it would be hard to stick to this diet, but once you do it for a week, you dont miss the food you cant eat anymore.

As for the other part of my change, I have applied for about 4 part-time jobs. So far, nothing. But Im still trying. I have looked at a few places here for rent, but Im finding that people dont want to rent to me because Im single. One guy even had the nerve to tell me "Single people seem to have problems paying thier rent" Seriously? I appearantly am going to have a harder time with this than I thought. I have a lot to prove to these people....and myself.

Hopefully soon, I will get my W2s so I can do my taxes. It will be nice to get some money back in my savings account.

The end of Feburary, the girls and I will be going to Tulsa to visit Sammi, Aidan and Nadia. I am super excited to get away from here for a few days.

Im off to eat dinner and go to bed with my girlies. We've all been lazy today, and its an early bedtime for us :)

Time for changes

So. Now must be the time in my life when Im realizing exactly where I am and who I am. Because I have been motivated to change all of the things Ive been putting off for a long time.

Last week, last tuesday to be exact (1/4/11) my friend convinced me to start the atkins diet with her. She has been doing it for a little over a month and has been incedibly successful. Ive watched her lose and know it works. So i got my mom convinced to do it with me. We cook together and eat together since Im here, so I thought it would be easier if she was on board too. She was game. So we have been super dedicated and diligent. I figured it would be hard, and Id feel like I was missing food and hungry all the time, but its actually been pretty great. In 1 week, I have lost 12 pounds. Hello!!! 12 pounds! Thats incredible! I never stick with anything, let alone follow any kind of a diet, so this is HUGE for me. Seeing that I am losing makes me even more dedicated to sticking with this and doing it. My goal for 1 month is 20 pounds, I am already over halfway there :) My overall goal is 50 pounds. I can so do this!

I sat down and did a budget so I can start looking for a place to move to. I do this so I know what I can comfortably afford. Turns out, I cant comfortably afford much of anything. at least the price I can afford, wont give me much for a family of 3. I have a pretty good job, but my monthly income just isnt enough to cover rent, daycare, utlitities, insurance, phone bills, food, ect. So today, I made the decision that a 2nd job is the way we can accomplish getting out of my parents house, having a house of our own, and getting ahead in life. I work 4 10 hour days at my job now, so i am off 3 days, and still have time after I get off to possibly work for a few hours at night. I have considered a 2nd job several times, but never really made the decision to do it. Lets face it, I will have to sacrifice alot. I will have to sacrifice time with my kids, days off, time to relax....but in return, we will get our life back. We will have a home we can be proud of, we will have stability, and for once, I just may not have to struggle so much. and to me, thats all going to be worth it.

Change used to scare the crap out me. I was settled into a familiar way of life, and anything outside that little life, was forgein. In the past couple of years, I have been yanked out of that life and forced to deal with change head on. So now, after dealing with change, after change, after change that was not by choice, I am making changes on purpose because I can :)

Another one of those times

I find myself often doubting if God really knows what he's doing. Im just going to put it out there straight. I know every little thing that happens is on purpose. But sometimes its hard to see that purpose.

Let me tell you a little about the Jackson family. I met this family of 4 at church about 9 months ago. They have a sweet baby girl named Sierra that I have in nursery. And a 7 year old little girl that I instantly bonded with, Olivia. Both are amazing little girls that I adore. And thier mom and dad are equally amazing. In March, Roy (aka thier dad) was diagnosed with colon cancer. The most vicious cancer there is. Hes battled this for months, gone through chemo and radiation. And was on the path to getting better. Until about 3 weeks ago. He was rushed to the hospital for severe stomach pain. The doctors admitted him. After a few days of testing, they concluded that the cancer was back with a vengeance. It was spreading quickly. And his fight against this cancer was coming to an end. At that point, they told him that he had less than 6 months to live. 6 months. Not long enough. As the weeks progressed, he got worse. His wife Marie is trying to cope with 2 little girls and the reality that she is losing her husband and her girls were going to be without thier daddy. She is incredibly strong.

A few days ago, Roys liver went into failure. The doctors have given him less than a week to live. Its hard to understand at this point, where Gods going with this. He is taking away a womans husband. Her one and only love. He is taking away 2 little girls dad. Doesnt He know, a dad is supposed to watch his girls grow up? Be the only man in her life? Threaten her dates? And one day, walk her down the aisle? Doesnt God see that He is taking this from these sweet babies, and this daddy? I dont understand. Its so hard to watch this family. To hear a 7 year old tell me that her daddy is going to heaven. To even comprehend that a 7 year old has to understand what cancer and death is. It makes me angry and sad and confused all at the same time. No matter how hard I pray for Roy, and for his family, it never seems to be enough. They still suffer. Roy still hurts. And the fact is that 2 little girls will be without a daddy sooner than we know.

Roy comes home from the hospital tomorrow. His insurance wont pay for any more hospital time. The doctors are giving up because his insurance coverage is used up. Another mystery to me. Arent doctors supposed to fight for life till the end? He is coming home with hospice care. And his family will watch him die at home. At least they will get to be with him....

I think this family and the whole situation hits so hard, because I lost someone battling the same cancer that Roy has. My mom was engaged to the most wonderful man that was diagnosed with colon cancer. We watched him suffer. By the time they found the cancer, it was too far gone to do any kind of treatments. Though he did undergo some experimental treatments in hopes it would help someone in the future. He went from being a strong, loving, sensitive, solid man to a man grapsing for life. Though I will say, he never said he was in pain. He didnt want any of worrying. Not that we didnt, but he sure did have a way at making sure we were put at ease and not hurting for him. What an incredible man.

But even to this day, and its been about 10 years since he passed away, I havent been able to figure out where Carls death fit into Gods plan. What purpose did his suffering and pain serve? And how did taking my moms soulmate from her, benefit her?

I have lots of unanswered questions. And lots of unanswered prayers. But through all the doubt, and uncertainty, the only way I make it through, is with the comfort that God does know what hes doing, and one day we will figure that out.

Please pray for this family. Roy, Marie, Olivia and Sierra. They need all the prayers they can get in this very difficult time. Pray for peace, pray for comfort, and pray that they never lose sight of God even though they are hurting.