Time to try it again

When I first graduated high school, I decided to enroll in some local college with a friend. A crappy school....that doesnt even exist anymore lol. One of those that has literally changed names 10 times since I went. I thought it was a good idea. But after going for 2 months, i realized what a joke it was. I was doing crafts in a communications class. So I just quit going. Call me a quitter. But it was a waste of time. I had to pay for the initial student loan that I used the first semester. Which was about $2500. Being 18, and stupid, I just let it go. Well now, several years later, I am not able to go to school because of these default student loans. As a single mom, I qualify for tons of grants and help to go to school, and I cant take advantage of any of it because of these loans that are haunting me. I really want to go to school. While my girls are young. And do something for us, and for myself. Its important to me to show my girls that any0ne can do it, including me. And I want for them to be proud of me, and who I am as thier mom. So this year, I decided its time to take care of these loans. Its my first year getting an actual tax return that I've claimed the girls. So it was pretty nice. And although I hated to see the money, over half of it, go, its a good feeling to know I can plan to go back to school soon.

I got a letter in the mail today from the loan company. Its a "Paid in Full" letter. My loans are paid off!!! The best piece of mail Ive recieved in a long time let me tell you. So now. My loans are paid. And I cant think of a better time to look into going back to school. :)

Love is Patient

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps records of no wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass.

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. And for good reason. Its beautiful. I havent always been a Christian. Growing up, I never went to church. It wasnt until I was in high school that I went, and that was not very often. So I dont know the Bible. Everytime I hear something, its brand new to me. I first heard this verse in a movie. Some sappy love story. A Walk to Remember to be more exact. I love this movie still. But this verse has stuck in my head for years. Its one of very few I can quote.

Ive gone through life, and through relationships thinking I know what love is. But, if we're being honest, I dont know what true love is. I have never loved someone with all my heart. I dont know what it is to be in love. Sure. I thought I loved someone. Or 2 people. But now, looking back, and seeing myself with those people, I wasnt in love. Nor were either of those relationships healthy.

So. As you know (assuming you've followed and read my blog up until this point) Ive done a great deal of healing up until now. And this verse has a whole new meaning to me. Ive always looked at it like other people's 'love' was supposed to look this way. I thought because I didnt have a love like that, it just wasnt for me. But now, I can see that this is the way love is supposed to be. For everyone. And to get this kind of love, you have to have this kind of love with God first. And I can only say that because this is where I am. Through everything, Ive never given up on God. Though, sometimes I doubt Him, and He tests me even more.

Sometimes, I get lonely. Thank goodness Ive been so busy lately to forget how lonely I do get. But I do sometimes wonder why I am having todo everything on my own. Not that I need someone, but life might not be so hard if I wasnt doing it alone. I dont know. I read this verse, and still believe that someday I will have a love just like that. Its this whole waiting part that gets to me sometimes. Love is patient though right? :)

Today I am thankful

I find myself constantly talking about picking up the pieces in my blogs. People, events, and life in general seem to have it out for me pretty bad. (ok. So Im dramatic)

Ive talked alot lately about the not so good stuff in my life. With all the chaos, its hard to stop and think of all the good stuff in my life. So. Im calling a time out from my drama, and focus on the blessings!

Did I ever mention that the girls and I moved?! How did I overlook that? I dont know. But its true. We FINALLY moved! Our little apartment, and I do mean little, is adorable. I love it here. The girls love it here. They love thier brand new bunk beds even more. And Im sure they would be really excited if I put a mattress on the top bunk so they could actually sleep up there. But truth be told, mommy is a sissy. And it makes me beyond nervous to let my little, clumsy 5 year old sleep on a top bunk. I will, sooner or later, have to give in. Soon.

When we moved, I was going to take the girls out of daycare and pay my mom to watch them when I work. I absolutely love our daycare. But its expensive. Even with my state assistance, its $420 a month. So, I walked in a few days after we got settled in to our apartment, and gave our notice to the owner. She told me, and I quote, "You cant take the girls from us!" I explained how I just couldnt afford rent, daycare, utilites, ect. And told her that I was going to pay my mom about $60 a week to watch the girls. And she, without hesitation, said, "If I drop your fee to $60 a week, will you keep them here?" Um..yeah! So my children get to continue going to an amazing daycare, with thier friends, and one of the best teachers in the state of missouri. Again. Blessing.

Last, but not least. I am the proud owner of an iPad. Im as shocked as you are. I am the most technologically challenged person you will ever come across. I dont even know what an iPad is. Or what it does. But Im learning. And I love it :) I will tell my little story/testimony.

A friend from church is going on a mission trip to Uganda in June. So she had this huge giveaway to help raise money for it. You could do a $20 donation for a chance to win and iPad and a $10 donation for a chance to win an iPod Touch. This giveaway had been going on for about 2 weeks. I wasnt able to donate anything because it was between paychecks for me. I got paid on the very last day of the giveaway. I had to take Emma to AR to see her dad. So I got home and settled about 9pm. I got online to check my bank statement, and realized I got paid more than I expected because of overtime. I saw a post on my facebook that her giveaway was ending in 45 minutes, and decided to go ahead and donate since I made some extra money. Im a faithful tither. But instead of tithing my extra money, I was excited to help her out.

Here's her blog about my testimony to her.

http://hymanshouse.blogspot.com/2011/03/it-couldnt-have-gone-to-better-person.html

Yet again. A blessing. In disguise :)

I do, more times than not, focus so much on all the bad stuff I go through. All the bad stuff that happens in my life...I forget to stop and appreciate what God has blessed me with. He shows me all the time in little subtle ways that He is there. But I have blinders on. I totally miss and overlook His love because all I can see is what He's doing wrong (or what I think is wrong) in my life. I need to step out from behind these blinders and learn to be thankful for this life Ive been given. Afterall, God did choose this life for me. And everything that's happened up until this point is all part of His plan for me. I cant get to where Im going without passing these hurdles first.

So, today, I am thankful. Even if nothing extraordinary happened, I am thankful just for today.

A cherry, with a bow, sprinkles and the icing on the cake

When you hear the saying 'icing on the cake', most of the time it means good things. The one last thing that ties it all together. Ive taken it a step further, added sprinkles, a cherry and a bow. But in my case, this is not an endearing statement.

Going back a few days, weeks or even months would be more than sufficient to tell my 'icing on the cake' story. But, just because today has been one of those days, we are going to go back a few years and get you up to speed.

I dont talk about my ex too much, or our relationship, or our breakup. But most people, people that Im close to at least, know the history. We were together for 3 years or so. And from the beginning, it was far from a fairy tale. But I went about life. I had 2 amazing kids that kept me going. My ex is an extreme alcoholic. But, for the most part, it didnt affect me. We didnt spend much time together. I lived in the house, and he...well, he lived in the garage. Yes. You read that right. The garage. We lived 2 seperate lives. It seemed to work for us for a long time. But somewhere in our relationship, things turned angry. I was miserable. He was mad. And life just got out of control. In the middle of what was supposed to be my happily ever after, I literally had a nervous breakdown. And it was all downhill from there. 6 months later, one night while I was at work, this man that I supposedly loved, decided that he was going to let his alcohol act for him, and he hurt my baby girl. And that was the end of that. I knew leaving him was the right thing to do. I hadnt been happy in a long time, and as much as I regret letting things get to that degree, it gave me the wake up call I needed to leave. this would be the cake

So, a single mom of 2, working a job paying minumum wage, I did life on my own.

For the first time in 7 years. I hit every speed bump imaginable. From having my best friend of 10 years turn her back on me, to being laid off from a job. From living in the 'ghetto' and literally having strangers bust through to my living room fighting, to being too broke to move on my own and living with my parents. And everything in between. this would be the icing

So now, in present day, Ive been picking up the pieces. This seems to be an ongoing trend in my life. Things have been falling back into place, and quiet in my life...which is the way I like it.

Until.....the past few weeks. When my whole world has turned upside down again.

Out of nowhere, I get a call from the prosecuting attorney asking me to come in for a deposition on my ex's case (he is being charged with child abuse) This happened 2 years ago. And everything has been a slow, long, drawn out process. Come to find out, he was arrested for domestic assualt on his wife. And facing another felony. So the court decided to put move everything up and get things going. My deposition was horrible. It was with the defense attorney. And, Im pretty sure he didnt like me too well. Ive never felt so inadequate in my entire life. He questioned everything I said, asked about my past (a ticket from 10 years ago!) questioned me as a mom. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. But I just looked at it that I am doing it for my child. Im taking her place so she doesnt have to go through this. And Im standing up for her when she cant. Thats the only way I can look at it. Trial is April 4th. Im sure, judging by how my deposition went, that it is going to be 10 times worse. this would be the sprinkles

Along with this stress, I find out some not so good information from my girls about thier grandma (his mom) They go see her every week. Or they did. The situation with her is a whole other story. So lets just say that my girls told me a few instances and occurances that I am definately not ok with, so I stopped letting her see them. After a few weeks of her sending me threatening texts and emails, and leaving me nasty voicemails, calling me every name in the book, telling me she will have my kids taken from me, and threatening me with the most riduculous of threats, she went quiet. I knew that wasnt a good thing. But i sure wasnt going out of my way to find out what she was up to. Then, last week, I was served a summons at work. I assumed it was for this whole thing with my ex. Until I saw her name on it. Turns out, shes taking me to court for grandparents rights! Shes requesting overnight visitation once a week with Mady. Seriously. I wish people would just leave me alone and let me and my kids live our life. I obviously have been letting her see them up until this point, no questions asked, so theres a valid reason Im not! This makes me very angry if you cant tell. this would be the cherry

And this brings me to today. The bow on the cherry, on top of the sprinkles and icing on the cake.

I was getting ready to leave Republic and go see my best friend. We were going to get our nails done, and enjoy an afternoon of relaxing and not worrying about anything. Until...yep you knew it was coming. I got pulled over. Turns out, my tags are expired. And these Republic cops have super vision and can see my tiny little sticker from a parking lot 2 miles away from me. I was expecting a ticket for sure. What I wasnt expecting, was for this cop, who I advised was not my best friend today, to tell me he was going to have to take me to jail. Did you get that?? J-A-I-L. He informed me it was for a warrant I had from 2008 for a failure to appear for a ticket I got for not registering a vehicle in my name. Or something along those lines. I still havent figured out all the details. I, for 1, have never got a ticket for any such thing. Ive never not had a vehicle registered in my name. And 2, (dont think Im bad) but I have been pulled over 5 times since 2008, and this has NEVER been brought up! EVER! Theres nothing on my record, no active warrants, and no kind of ticket/case from 2008 for me. Trust me, I had my sister do some investigating today, and nothing turned up. So I dont understand. The police officer doesnt understand. Now, on top of all the other court crap I have to deal with, I now have to go to court for this mysterious warrant.

I honestly have no idea how in the world I stay sane dealing with all this. Im a natural worry-er. But I give up worrying. Somehow, this crazy little mess I call my life, will be at a point where I can once again pick up the pieces. Until then, I think Im going to enjoy some of that cake :)