Take Two

I sat down last night and tried to focus on writing for a little bit. Its been one of those weeks, and I was definately looking forward to the outlet, but for some reason, I hit a wall. I am very easily distracted. So. Here I am, trying one more time.



Ok. Last night I am pretty sure I started off with a recap of my week.

Still no word on the job front. I know its a waiting game, but my patience level is in the red. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing. Be patient...trust....better things are in store for you....one door closes, another one opens....Tons of empty cliches. Something to tell someone when they are in a bad time in thier life. These same words have graced my lips a time or two. I am trying really hard to believe them. And I think Im doing good for the most part. Im still OK at the moment. But I also know that will only last so long. So lets pray, for my sake and sanity, that it comes sooner than later.

My foot is actually doing pretty good. Today I walked on it without it wrapped all day. And friday I was on it most of the day and it didnt start hurting until the end of the day when I was able to sit down. Its more sore than anything. And the muscles in my leg hurt. Im sure I remember someone saying something about the muscles overcompensating for my foot or something like that.

Wednesday night was our first NPCU class. It was really good, but I already knew it would be. I was extremely nervous to be one of the group leaders for the women. Im not exactly sure why. This is definately not the first time Ive done something like this. I think I was more worried about making everyone feel welcome and comfortable so that they will want to come back next week. I think it went pretty good though. Friday night was the first annual scavenger hunt for NPC SinglesLIFE. Which was a BLAST. I had so much fun. My group didnt win, but we had fun trying :) I am so thankful for a church that has introduced me to so many great friends. My nursery coordinator said to me today, "Dawn, you know so many people here." I had to laugh, because I hardly know anyone. Or at least it doesnt seem that way. but she pointed out to me that several people stopped at the counter to say hi to me today. That makes me smile :)

Its been another one of those weeks where people seem to want to play matchmaker with me. This thankfully doesnt happen very often, but its still very annoying when it does. I hate being asked about my "relationship status" The answer itself doesnt bother me, its more the person whos asking reaction. I really dont understand why people find it so crazy that I am ok with being single. Sometimes I surprise myself too I guess. I am a hopeless romantic. I love sappy romance movies and love songs. And even though I have had my fair share of bad relationships, I still believe there is someone out there for me. I still believe in a kind of love that lasts forever. I want to grow old with someone. To one day be married to my best friend. I know, thanks to my friend, that there is a love that doesnt fight, doesnt hate, and doesnt hurt. I think that some people think Im bitter and have ill feelings about love and relationships, but thats not it at all. I know what I want and what I dont want now. Before, I only thought I knew, and I ended up settling. And, well, lets just say that didnt work out too well :) I do sometimes have moments of self pity. Times when Im lonely. Days when being alone makes me sad. But I am pretty sure thats normal. Luckily, they dont come around too often. I am, for the first time in a very long time, 100% truely happy with myself. Its taken a lot of work to get here. And I know thats a great foundation to start with. So I can just make sure Im prepared and willing and open to someone when the time comes. But, in the meantime, quit trying to "hook" me up with random people....Im not biting lol

Wondering why Im still awake...

Its 11:30pm. I went to bed 2 hours ago. And yet, Im still awake. Ive been doing really good to control my endless overthinking lately, but it seems to have caught up with me tonight. I can understand the stress of still being job-less, not knowing what to do next, or know what will happen when I run out of money.... but I am not finding myself thinking about any of that to be honest. This surprises me too, dont worry :)

I know everyone is bored hearing about my nonexistant love life, but it seems to be weighing on my heart pretty heavy today. I cant seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. For the past year, I have done a great job at keeping myself busy and preoccupied. I havent really had to think about it that much. And it is easy for me to say "Im fine" when people ask about it. But my little mini vacation these last 2 weeks has made it hard to overlook what Ive worked so hard to ignore.
I read my post from a week ago, and I went on and on about how I was happy being single. How is it so easy for something like that to come out of my mouth? Have I said these lies for so long that even Im convinced of them? Because reading what I wrote seemed like I made a pretty good case. Maybe I should consider becoming a lawyer....
Dont get me wrong, I am happy. I have 2 beautiful little girls. The things Ive accomplished for myself, I never knew I had in me. But still, theres something missing. And Im not exactly sure what that is. I know a lot of stuff that I could write about here. About people: past, present, and future. About thoughts, feelings, and wants. But, Im Dawn. And Im famous for not putting myself out there that much. This whole blogging thing is still pretty new to me. And I KNOW people read it, because they talk to me about it. Hopefully I get over that soon...Id like to look at it as just writing to myself. A little therapy for the soul :) I will just keep it simple for now. Hopefully all this thinking is simply a symptom of too much time on my hands. If not, I better find a solution to this problem sooner than later. Because I do not like this feeling one bit.

God never gives you more than you can handle

I really think God gives me more credit than I deserve. This week has been horrible. Not to mention all the events Ive faced this entire past year. I just have to laugh sometimes.
I lost my job monday, woke up with the stomach flu tuesday and fell and fractured my foot tuesday night. Sounds fun doesnt it? Now, normally, I am a worrier by nature. Its what I do. And, dont get me wrong, being a single mom and jobless doesnt exactly put me at ease, but I somehow know everythings going to be ok. If Ive learned anything in the last year, its this.....
Give your troubles to God and he will take care of them.

Ive heard this my whole life, but never really believed it.
There have been several times over the course of the past 12 months, where it would have been so easy for me to just give up and throw in the towel. Thats typically what I do when things dont go my way. But I decided one day to try out this "theory" (for lack of better words).
I remember the day and conversation with God like it was yesterday. I had recently moved into my new apt, a single mom, with a broken heart, torn between what was right, and what I thought my heart wanted, working part time somewhere that paid minimum wage, when reality hit me. I was alone for the very first time in 7 years. I was 100% financially responsible for everything for the first time in my life. I was the only person around to take care of my girls. I had to work after being a stay at home mom for almost 3 years. I was dealing with judgemental people, both my family and not. And I realized I didnt even know who I was outside the life I had just left behind. It was a rude awakening to say the least. So, I was driving home from work one night after I had picked the girls up from daycare. It was about 10pm and both babies were fast asleep in the back seat. When I pulled into the parking lot at home, I looked back at them, and just started crying. I remember thinking, this is not how my life is supposed to be going. Thats when I knew something had to change. Sitting there, in the car, in the dark, I had a heart to heart with God. Everything that had gone wrong in my life, I gave it back to Him. All the doubts, I gave Him control. All the worry, I let it go to Him. I knew I couldnt do all this by myself, so I asked God to be present in every way He could. Over the course of the next few weeks, I got a new job, a better paying job with a much better schedule. I was able to be home with the girls every night. Everyday, the hurt in my heart was less and less, until one day I was happy with things just the way they were. Instead of looking for someONE to make me happy, I was able to be happy with myself. I settled into my apt and made it a home for me and the girls. I was able to open up and have better friendships with people. And I realized for the first time in a very long time, that I am important...I matter. I was able to buy stuff for myself and do things on my own without feeling guilty.
It seems like a lot when I write it out. So many things happened in a short time. But I really do know that if I just give my troubles to God, He will see to it that I am taken care of. And maybe thats why I am not panicked about my current situation. I have to have faith that what has happened is just one more thing that God has planned for me.And maybe I should look at it as a compliment. Becuase if God really never gives you more than you can handle, I must be one STRONG woman.
Now, my foot on the other hand, I think is just a test. Good to know God has a sense of humor :)

Good things come to those who wait

Do you believe that? Im not a very patient person. i dont even like to buy things online, because I like the instant gratification you get when you get to take home what you bought. So I definately struggle with believing this.

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

When I get impatient, I tend to act instead of letting things happen on thier own, and more times than not, I bring havoc to a situation. I later realize, that if I wouldve been patient, things wouldve worked themselves out, and even in my favor. So I have been trying to learn from my mistakes. But in some instances, its really hard to be patient! I put so much energy and attention into something with no reward. So how do you know the difference between "good things" will eventually come, and wasting your time?

Questions

Our faith in God often hinges on his activity - or - inactivity - in our daily experiences. When our prayers are answered, our faith soars. When God is silent, it becomes harder to trust him.

A recent string of events has really put my faith to the test. I whole heartedly relate to the above statement. When life is good, its so easy to speak Gods praise, but when bad things happen, I struggle to "keep the faith"

Reminds me of this song, Before the Morning. And I have to constantly remind myself of the words Josh Wilson sings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MniOtRnCO9I



The story behind this song is amazing and very touching, and would recommend checking it out www.beforethemorning.net

I know that eventually, good will come from it all, but how soon will that be, and how much more do you have to go through to get there? I guess instead of focusing on the end result, maybe I should try to focus on the "right now" and be thankful for the good and not dwell on the negative. Its hard to see the bigger picture sometimes.

And while Im on this subject of questions.....
Do you ever wonder why God puts someone in your life? Its kind of funny to recall the events of meeting a certain person (for the sake of my pride lol, we will call my friend Jo) and the setbacks that have come along in our friendship. And, on most days, we have a pretty good friendship. Until recently when it seems to all be a little jumbled. I try really hard to do the right thing, and the right thing always seems to be in favor of Jo. But I want to keep things simple and uncomplicated as much as possible. And Im stuck here with this empty feeling. So, I have my daily conversation with God, and ask Him why Jo is in my life. And, it never fails, even if I havent heard from Jo in days, and my attempts to talk to Jo have been ignored, I, out of no where, will hear from them. Its a constant reminder from God, that, no matter what I may think, or even what my friend may think, theres a reason they came into my life. I guess I should really just learn patience, and remember that its all in Gods hands.

Remember those nights when I had nothing to do...

Ahhh. I miss those days. I dont know when it happened, But I somewhere developed something that resembles a LIFE. And Im not sure how I feel about that. I enjoy having stuff to do, but I miss being able to sit at home and relax. Between Emmas dance class on tuesday, my church group wednesday (soon to change to wednesday AND monday) every other week I meet Emmas dad in Arkansas AFTER I get off work, we have our girls day brunch (me, mom, sis, melissa, and the girls) every saturday, I work in the nursery at church on sundays. And not to mention things that come up on the days we dont have set obligations. Endless "Insert Home Business Name here" Parties, I still have my bow business going strong, birthday parties, showers, family time.......When does it end? My mom says Im stretching myself too thin, but theres no way Im giving up Emmas dance class. She absolutely LOVES it Nor will I give up any of my church activities. I look forward to them every week, and it really makes me feel blessed I am able to serve God in so many ways. I think I need to learn to tell people no every now and then. Thats something that I dont know how to do.

On not much of a lighter note......
Kanen goes to court Wednesday. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever is thrown at me after he finds out what is going to happen. Im sure whatever the outcome, Im going to hear about it. Hopefully all this wil be over very soon. I dont know about you, but Im ready to move past it!
This past Saturday night, I finally got my tattoo fixed. Ive waited for 7 years to decide to do it. And trust someone to do it. I got my first tattoo when I turned 18. And just kind of because I could lol. It has NO meaning at all to me. I dont really like it, and it was very poorly done on top of that. So, after much thought, I decided it was worth it to me to get it fixed and get something that I really liked. It hurt like hell. I dont remember it hurting at all the first time to be honest. Which is porbably part of the reason I was so on board for doing it again lol. My sister went with me., Which was fun to experience with her. She laughed at me the whole time, but was a good source of support (i use that term very lightly in this case lol) I absolutely love it now. The original tatto is still there, but there is more to it, and color, and 2 smaller butterflies (one for each girl). I am very happy with what he was able to do to it.

Playing catch up

2 months later, I think its time to fill you in on my Church happenings :p

I really got a lot out of our NPCU wednesday night class. I missed a couple classes though so I am retaking it the second time. I also dont think I opened up as much as I could have, mainly because Kanens mom was my group leader. A lot of my issues either involve her, or she is directly associated with them. So I am really looking forward to going through all of it again with a chance to really use the tools that are given to me. I am also one of the group leaders for the women this class, I am so excited to have that opportunity, and hopefully do my job of making everyone feel welcome and comfortable to open up.

Our wednesday night group of women that have continued to meet, has been so amazing. They are all such wonderful ladies! I have been really blessed with a great support system. We have a blast together, and its so nice to just be able to vent and talk about your problems without anyone judging you. Each and every one of them is genuine when they listen and offer support. Its a great thing! I hope they realize how much having them around means to me!

I am still volunteering in the nursery. It gives me my baby fix lol. I am also starting to train for team leader this Sunday, which Im very happy about!

Our Church has this amazing outreach program called 2nd saturday. They go out into the community to help fight "Global Giants" Disease, Poverty, Illiteracy, and Spiritual Emptiness. Its incredible what gets accomplished on these days. The past Saturday, they invited women from The Family Violence Center, Aids Project of the Ozarks, and single and widowed moms from the community for a day of pampering and beauty. At first, I volunteered to help, but NPC staff brought it to my attention that this day was for me too :) So me and the girls got to join in the fun. I got my hair and makeup done. The girls and I had a fun photo shoot, we had brunch, and there was even a carnival for the girls. It was a great time. And to see all the women there, with thier children, looking beautiful and feeling special was a really moving experience. Its crazy to think such a small gesture as making a mom feel like the center of attention for one day, can have such an impact on her. And for one day, no one was judgemental, or mean, or hurtful towards them. I could over hear stories of heartbreak and hurt they were telling thier "host". And how great they thought it was that a church would open thier doors to people society has cast out and make them feel welcome. It made me so proud to be part of such an amazing day, and such an INSPIRATIONAL and INTENTIONAL Church. Thank you North Point for allowing me to be part of a life changing day!