It never fails....

Today is my day off, and of course, Im sick. This is how it always works. At least Im not sick and having to miss work I guess.

So to date, I have lost 15 pounds. Not too bad :) I thought it would be hard to stick to this diet, but once you do it for a week, you dont miss the food you cant eat anymore.

As for the other part of my change, I have applied for about 4 part-time jobs. So far, nothing. But Im still trying. I have looked at a few places here for rent, but Im finding that people dont want to rent to me because Im single. One guy even had the nerve to tell me "Single people seem to have problems paying thier rent" Seriously? I appearantly am going to have a harder time with this than I thought. I have a lot to prove to these people....and myself.

Hopefully soon, I will get my W2s so I can do my taxes. It will be nice to get some money back in my savings account.

The end of Feburary, the girls and I will be going to Tulsa to visit Sammi, Aidan and Nadia. I am super excited to get away from here for a few days.

Im off to eat dinner and go to bed with my girlies. We've all been lazy today, and its an early bedtime for us :)

Time for changes

So. Now must be the time in my life when Im realizing exactly where I am and who I am. Because I have been motivated to change all of the things Ive been putting off for a long time.

Last week, last tuesday to be exact (1/4/11) my friend convinced me to start the atkins diet with her. She has been doing it for a little over a month and has been incedibly successful. Ive watched her lose and know it works. So i got my mom convinced to do it with me. We cook together and eat together since Im here, so I thought it would be easier if she was on board too. She was game. So we have been super dedicated and diligent. I figured it would be hard, and Id feel like I was missing food and hungry all the time, but its actually been pretty great. In 1 week, I have lost 12 pounds. Hello!!! 12 pounds! Thats incredible! I never stick with anything, let alone follow any kind of a diet, so this is HUGE for me. Seeing that I am losing makes me even more dedicated to sticking with this and doing it. My goal for 1 month is 20 pounds, I am already over halfway there :) My overall goal is 50 pounds. I can so do this!

I sat down and did a budget so I can start looking for a place to move to. I do this so I know what I can comfortably afford. Turns out, I cant comfortably afford much of anything. at least the price I can afford, wont give me much for a family of 3. I have a pretty good job, but my monthly income just isnt enough to cover rent, daycare, utlitities, insurance, phone bills, food, ect. So today, I made the decision that a 2nd job is the way we can accomplish getting out of my parents house, having a house of our own, and getting ahead in life. I work 4 10 hour days at my job now, so i am off 3 days, and still have time after I get off to possibly work for a few hours at night. I have considered a 2nd job several times, but never really made the decision to do it. Lets face it, I will have to sacrifice alot. I will have to sacrifice time with my kids, days off, time to relax....but in return, we will get our life back. We will have a home we can be proud of, we will have stability, and for once, I just may not have to struggle so much. and to me, thats all going to be worth it.

Change used to scare the crap out me. I was settled into a familiar way of life, and anything outside that little life, was forgein. In the past couple of years, I have been yanked out of that life and forced to deal with change head on. So now, after dealing with change, after change, after change that was not by choice, I am making changes on purpose because I can :)

Another one of those times

I find myself often doubting if God really knows what he's doing. Im just going to put it out there straight. I know every little thing that happens is on purpose. But sometimes its hard to see that purpose.

Let me tell you a little about the Jackson family. I met this family of 4 at church about 9 months ago. They have a sweet baby girl named Sierra that I have in nursery. And a 7 year old little girl that I instantly bonded with, Olivia. Both are amazing little girls that I adore. And thier mom and dad are equally amazing. In March, Roy (aka thier dad) was diagnosed with colon cancer. The most vicious cancer there is. Hes battled this for months, gone through chemo and radiation. And was on the path to getting better. Until about 3 weeks ago. He was rushed to the hospital for severe stomach pain. The doctors admitted him. After a few days of testing, they concluded that the cancer was back with a vengeance. It was spreading quickly. And his fight against this cancer was coming to an end. At that point, they told him that he had less than 6 months to live. 6 months. Not long enough. As the weeks progressed, he got worse. His wife Marie is trying to cope with 2 little girls and the reality that she is losing her husband and her girls were going to be without thier daddy. She is incredibly strong.

A few days ago, Roys liver went into failure. The doctors have given him less than a week to live. Its hard to understand at this point, where Gods going with this. He is taking away a womans husband. Her one and only love. He is taking away 2 little girls dad. Doesnt He know, a dad is supposed to watch his girls grow up? Be the only man in her life? Threaten her dates? And one day, walk her down the aisle? Doesnt God see that He is taking this from these sweet babies, and this daddy? I dont understand. Its so hard to watch this family. To hear a 7 year old tell me that her daddy is going to heaven. To even comprehend that a 7 year old has to understand what cancer and death is. It makes me angry and sad and confused all at the same time. No matter how hard I pray for Roy, and for his family, it never seems to be enough. They still suffer. Roy still hurts. And the fact is that 2 little girls will be without a daddy sooner than we know.

Roy comes home from the hospital tomorrow. His insurance wont pay for any more hospital time. The doctors are giving up because his insurance coverage is used up. Another mystery to me. Arent doctors supposed to fight for life till the end? He is coming home with hospice care. And his family will watch him die at home. At least they will get to be with him....

I think this family and the whole situation hits so hard, because I lost someone battling the same cancer that Roy has. My mom was engaged to the most wonderful man that was diagnosed with colon cancer. We watched him suffer. By the time they found the cancer, it was too far gone to do any kind of treatments. Though he did undergo some experimental treatments in hopes it would help someone in the future. He went from being a strong, loving, sensitive, solid man to a man grapsing for life. Though I will say, he never said he was in pain. He didnt want any of worrying. Not that we didnt, but he sure did have a way at making sure we were put at ease and not hurting for him. What an incredible man.

But even to this day, and its been about 10 years since he passed away, I havent been able to figure out where Carls death fit into Gods plan. What purpose did his suffering and pain serve? And how did taking my moms soulmate from her, benefit her?

I have lots of unanswered questions. And lots of unanswered prayers. But through all the doubt, and uncertainty, the only way I make it through, is with the comfort that God does know what hes doing, and one day we will figure that out.

Please pray for this family. Roy, Marie, Olivia and Sierra. They need all the prayers they can get in this very difficult time. Pray for peace, pray for comfort, and pray that they never lose sight of God even though they are hurting.