Friends, Tattoos, and Moving On

I cant believe I have gone so long without blogging! LOL. Usually, I have time to sit and write about stuff, but this week hasnt really allowed that. I am very thankful for this right now :)

My friends came in from Tulsa Monday for vacation. I was so excited when they told me they were coming here. We had a blast. We took the kids to do tons of fun stuff (swimming, Jump Mania, Movies) ate lots of yummy food, stayed up late talking about girl stuff, painted toenails, had a fun girls night with no kids that included tattoos and an amazingly yummy and entertaining dinner at Fujis (a hibachi japanese steakhouse). It was a great week. Lots of fun memories made.

FYI: on my new tattoo :)

I got the scripture Matthew 28:20 on my right foot. It the middle of this amazing scripture it says-I am with you always. This has always stood out to me. And now I will never be able to forget, that no matter what I go through, I am never alone :)

I will add....it hurt like crazy on my foot. I expected it to hurt, but not as bad as it did!

I have really taken the last 2 weeks to refocus my life and get back in the right direction. It has not been fun, and this is something that I am struggling with a lot. But Im getting there. I finished my Sex and the Soul of a Woman book. (I will have to catch up on my blogs about that) And though I have been discovering some pretty amazing things in this book, and about myself, Im still having a hard time letting go of "the friend" You know, for months I have referred to him as that. But "friend" is the furthest thing from what he was. So, Im just going to put it out there and not be afraid of who knows. "The friend"=Damon. And this may not be a shock to you, because appearantly people at church have thought we were involved this whole time anyway. So there you go. He finally has a name. And I dont have to feel ashamed or feel like I have to hide it for his sake. :)

Anyway. Where was I?

I finished the book. And I could see how I wanted this to apply to my life. And that I deserve everything it talked about.

But I still am holding on to Damon. And I dont know why. I mean, even though I was also involved in making the wrong choices with him, he hurt me. And left me in a situation to go through on my own that I never should have had to do by myself. I thought he was so much more different than that. I obviously gave him more credit than he deserved. Hes not any different from any other guy who just wants sex. Our friendship meant nothing to him. And I can see now, how he used that against me. So here I am, knowing what I NEED to do, and still not wanting to do it.

Heres what Ive come to learn.

I made excuses for what I was doing and justifying it. Because I thought he was safe and a better choice than all the other guys that had come along before him. Because I met him at church. Because we talked about God all the time. We talked about our walk, and our stumbles, and struggles. But I realize now, that even though I felt so connected to him because of God, that he was actually taking me away from God. I was sacrificing my relationship with God, for a relationship with him...at least I did that the minute sex was entered the picture. I suffered a great deal because of this. I know that Damon may not have to be excluded from my life forever, but for the moment, I am working on cutting all ties with him. We are not friends on facebook, I have no contact with him, I deleted him as a contact on my email, and the last thing to do is delete his phone number. Which I have not done. Yet. But right now, this is not hard for me to do. Because I have come to learn a new side of Damon that is a liar, a hypocrite, and a cheater. Although its hard for me to completely let him go, this definately helps make it a little easier. And Im realizing that letting him go means a lot of pain for a little while (and letting God heal me), instead of holding on and dealing with a dull aching pain for a long time. As my friend puts it-"Rip the bandaid off Dawn!" :) So thats what Im ready to do.

I can see it now, thank goodness, that Gods plan in all of this mess was to remind me that He needs to be first in my heart. To open my eyes and see how Im hurting myself, and to allow me to feel like I deserve the best in a man, and I still deserve and will get the kind of love Ive always wanted.

I will add these 2 quotes..someone shared them with me. And they are so true.

"In most Christian relationships, we are so caught up in our feelings for the other person that we unwittingly squeeze God into the background. It becomes a confusing, emotional mess, and we wonder why God isn't giving us more direction, when all the while He is there, waiting to be allowed back into FIRST place in our hearts. Only when He is truly in first place are we ready for a God-written love story."

"The godly young men I've spoken with believe that if young women started keeping their standards high rather than settling for mediocre men, guys would be FORCED to make serious changes to their masculinity [we make it too easy for them]. And even if you are mocked, ridiculed, or ignored because of your stand, you can be sure that God will honor your decision. He paid for the treasure of your heart with His own blood. You disregard His amazing sacrifice for you when you allow your femininity to be trampled in the mud [which happens every time we have sex outside of marriage]. YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING, so hold out for a man who has royal blood coursing through his veins."

Starting over isnt so bad

I feel like I want to go back and erase every single blog entry for the last 5 months. But I wont.

In the last 2 weeks, I have felt an extreme amount of hurt and confusion. Im at a point now, where I just want to give up and not feel this way anymore. Its not worth the fight and my energy. So, Im letting it go. Im letting him go. Im reclaiming my happiness....happiness I had before all of this started. This is no easy feat. And it does not come without a little feeling of loss and sadness. But Im ready.

So, lets start over. :)

Its June. A perfect saturday. And a start to something greater than I can even imagine. I will not lose sight of what God has in store for me..despite this rocky road he's led me down. Because I know, there is purpose in everything he does.

Learning to let go

2 weeks. I know. Your tired of hearing about this. Trust me when I say, Im tired of having to write about it. Im tired of feeling like Im missing something. Im tired of feeling hurt. Im tired of it all.

We are no longer the friends we used to be. It was a good try. On both our parts I think. But its not the same. I still expect it to be like it was. For some reason, thats not allowed I guess.

People come and go all the time. Pop in and out of my life. Im used to it. I purposely detatch myself from anyone. Not the ideal way to live, but it seems to work for me at the moment. It lets me focus on other stuff instead of people. Which is exactly what I did. I did everything in the right order. Focused on my kids, my job...making a life for us. Creating stability for us. Deepening my relationship with God. Learning about myself and who I was outside of a relationship. I focused on building my friendships, surrounding myself with good people. And grew closer to my family. None of this was an overnight accomplishment. It took almost a year to establish all of this, and grow from all of this. I didnt hurry through it trying to get to the other side. I was happy with my life right where it was.

I have been so afraid of losing him (the friend) this whole time. But why? I mean seriously...Why? 4 months. Its not like Ive known him that long. I cant explain it. I dont understand why he is so different from everyone else. Why I let myself open up. He's asked me the same thing. Why am I so afraid of losing him..why I feel so close to him...he seems to think its the "bond" we created when we had sex. I have NEVER felt connected to someone or close to someone because of sex. Thats not how I see sex. Maybe now, after all my reading and learning about it. But I wasnt raised to view sex as something special. So I never treated it like that with a man. It was just something I did, because thats what you do? I dont know. My point is, thats not why I feel so close to him.

So...

This is something I am not able to say to him. Im not sure why. But let me lay this out for you.

I met this guy at church. My second home. Someplace that Im so passionate about. He talked to me about my bow business. Really? Who cares about hairbows....especially a bald 37 year old man? He took the time to get to know me and find out what I like, dont like, what makes me happy and sad...And I was able to get to know him. Our friendship evolved into something amazing. He was the one I found myself going to for comfort in certain situations, because I knew he understood. I was able to be there for him as well. And our friendship was centered around God. And, risking sounding like a 14 year old girl...he seriously could make me smile no matter what kind of mood I was in. I have never, and I mean never, had something like this with anyone. So why wouldnt I be afraid to loose all of this? And, I will add this last part reluctantly. It will refer back to my *it rhymes with glove* post. But somewhere along the course of all this, my heart got involved. Because of everything I just said about him. Because hes the kind of man I want in my life. Because he makes me think the L word really does exist. I dont regret any of that. Because it is such a good feeling to know Im capable of that.

But this is the point where its not so fun. Things arent the same. My feelings havent changed. But something has. The "friends" thing. He has been persistant in reassuring me that we will always be friends. And he wants us to get back where we used to be. And be able to be so close. But the events that have occured in the last week are pushing me further and further away from him. And its hurting me like crazy.

How do you let go of something you thought you were so sure about? I feel like Im giving up if I do, but if I keep holding on, Im just hurting myself more in the end. Im losing either way. Im trying. I really am. And I know it will probably get easier the more time goes by, but right now...it sucks.

LOST

Not the tv show. I never really got into it. But, physically, mentally, emotionally......Im lost. I have neve felt so out of control of my life than I do right now. And wasnt I just talking about this last night??? Maybe subconsciously I was preparing myself for this.

I am not going to go into details. In fact, Im not even going to say the reason Im writing this. This is more of a vent.

I dont understand what Gods plan or purpose is at this point. Punishment? A lesson? I have been working through so many life changes lately. I feel like a different person. I feel happy. I feel a new love from God that I never known.

And then this. I thought last week I was out of the clear. It wasnt a fun experience. And it was scary. Not only for me, but for everyone involved. I was thankful for the power of prayer. And the motto--God never gives you more than you can handle.

One phone call today changed all of that. I knew as soon as I got it, what was coming. My gut instinct was telling me. As well as my heart.

So here I am. Trying not to dwell on something I cant change. And trust that God is in control. But how do you do that and not be hurting and lost? I feel like I am failing at doing anything right, and making the right choices when it comes to my faith. I get ahead, and feel like Im on the right track, then I am yanked back to where I was before.

Dear Lord,

I am hurting so much right now. Im scared. And uncertain. I wish I had the answers. But I trust you. I give you control of what is happening right now. Please take this pain out of my heart. And give me comfort. Dont let me lose sight of you right now.

Amen

A lesson in trust

I have amazing friends. I forget this sometimes. But, they seem to remind me in the best ways.

Today has not been as good as the last few days. Not completely bad, just not that good. Im having issues with Emma being gone for 3 weeks, this feeling of loneliness that keeps lingering, and just a little bit of uncertaintly in my life in general right now.

I try my hardest to know that I am not in control of any of these things. I struggle so much giving up control. I know when I give God the reigns, he will not steer me in the wrong direction. I KNOW this. Today, 2 people, made me remember this.

I sometimes question why people are placed in my life. And, we all know how impatient I am, so I want the answers right now :) Im slowly realizing one persons role. And they have helped me change in more ways than they will ever know. Ive grown so much just because of this person. Just hearing stories of thier walk with God, makes me want to be a better person. And how they can let go of control, makes me see its not impossible.

Sneaky the way God uses people :)

Sweet Summertime

The weather is beautiful. Its warm in the daytime, and gets nice and cool at night. Driving home in the evening, I am surrounded by magical lightning bugs, and can drive with the windows down and sing as loud as I want :). Family seems to be the center of everything we do. And the water is a close second behind that. It doesnt get dark until way after 8, and flip flops are the only neccessary footwear you will need. It MUST be summertime.

Summer has to be my favorite time of year. This season just makes me feel good. It makes me feel happy. We are no longer cooped up in our house because its freezing cold and snowing. There are no crazy stressful holidays to deal with. And people seem to be a little more relaxed and nicer in general. I LOVE it.

Summer is just the medicine I need to get out of this funky state Ive been in lately. Today, I had my first dose. We had an amazing sermon at church today. Im realy excited about the series we are doing. My family came to church with me, which was really nice because they havent been in a while, and with my nursery schedule until recently, its not easy to go to service with them. Not to mention, I had a good surprise when the friend showed up sitting next to me. :) I worked nursery, just like every sunday. My friend was at the counter picking up her boys, and as I walked up to her, she looked at me and said "You look beautiful today Dawn! Your glowing!" What a great feeling to know people are noticing Im happy :)

My family and I went to the river to do a little kayaking after church. We just went to a local river, nothing too crazy. It was so relaxing. Quiet. Calming. And beautiful. I came home tonight feeling so good. I need more days like this :)

Chapter 5..enough with the tears already

Chapter 5: Stepping on eachothers toes

A quote to give insight to what this chapter is all about. Take a deep breath...let it out...now read on.

Carelessly, thoughtlessly, casually, sex--in the short space of a single generation-- went from being the culminating act of committed love to being a precondition, a tryout, for future involvement. If any.---Danielle Crittenden

Hmm. Chapter 5. One that definately makes you think. But, its not all bad, so bare with me. This is going to be long.

Whether you call it courting, dating, or hanging out, there is no experience quite like falling in love. The secret longing of every woman's heart is to be wooed and won. This is the heart of romance. Being tuned for the beauty of relationship is what makes us also so acutely aware of the travesty when things turn cheap and ugly. There is surely nothing beautiful about a broken heart.

When sex is introduced into a relationship outside of marriage, immediately the stakes are reaised. The one who is penalized is the one whose heart is most involved, and the person on top is the one who actually cares the least. The beauty of the "dance" is jeopardized when you have to wonder if a man would be interested in you, just you, without a sexual relationship, when you feel like you have to give sex to get love, when there is no freedom to just get to know someone without the pressures to be sexual.

When you allow sex to be part of a dating relationship, it invites men to be their worst selves. He has nothing to work for. He doesnt feel the need to pull out a chair, open a door, or sit and talk to you for hours about nothing. This used to be the bare minimum in a man you'd think twice about. Now, it doesnt even make the list of requirements.

Have you ever noticed that in some way a man wants you to expect the world from him? He sees when we have expectations of him, someone who believes the best about him. And if you see him as a guy worthy of respect, able to look out for you and others, someone who has his head together, then he believes it a little more of himself.

"A man should be gentle around a woman. Thats part of what it means to be a man"

Devaluing yourself as a woman-this would be me

Always waiting for the guy to find something wrong with you and move on...this usually comes from the lips of someone who has had a parade of men through her life (my parade isnt that long...but still)-a string of sexual relationships-and the hope she has given up is about herself. She no longer sees herself as a woman who has something wonderful to offer a man. At the bottom of her soul sits a statement like this: "I dont deserve to be loved"

There is no self-help remedy available to get rid of this feeling. Just one man who's love is bigger and deeper than any other. The cleansing, restoring love of Jesus.

Read John 8:1-8:11 Jesus did not turn this woman away because of her sins. The very same sins I have. Instead, he took them all away. Gave her a brand new fresh start in life...and told her to leave those sins behind. Jesus does not turn away. He steps right in to the mess we have made and offers us mercy. He gives us the power to live a different life. Out of this place where we have been loved in shame, we come to know ourselves as women worthy of love. And this love changes everything.

Knowing yourself as a woman worthy of love is a very different place from which to relate to a man. The secret of most relationships is that others follow our cues. If we have been embraced by a love as vast and powerful as the love of Jesus, we will know what to hope for from a man.

Chapter 5 Questions

2. How do you sense that sex raises the stakes in a relationship?

- Sex brings along feelings of jealousy, and hurt. It makes you question yourself.

3. What would it mean in your life to expect more in your relationships with men?

- I dont really expect anything in relationships. Though Im learning that doesnt benefit either party. I think expecting more would be to spend time with someone. To actually do stuff together, and learn about eachother....see another side of someone. All outside of the bedroom

5. Think about the woman who was dragged before Jesus by a mob intent on stoning her for adultery. What stands out in the way Jesus treated her? What in this account draws you to Jesus?

-He didnt automatically turn her away for her sins. He made her see and say outloud that no one else hasnt been in her shoes. And that he so easily forgave her, and let her live a life free of her past choices.

Single Mama Blues

I figured Id take a little break from my book for a minute.

Today, for some reason, has been a tough day. Which is nothing new. It happens from time to time. I have been struggling with the girls a lot lately. Emma is acting out big time, and I just dont know how to handle her. I get angry that she doesnt listen, and I sometimes forget that shes just 4. And this....makes me feel like Im failing as a mom. I shouldnt be losing my temper, or expecting so much from them, or focusing on all the bad stuff they do....I should be able to keep it together for them. But this is far from whats happening lately. Im not quite sure where I lost that. But to see how my attitude and actions are affecting my children is like a slap in the face. As a mom, and especially as a single mom, Im not allowed to feel this way. Im not allowed to feel like I have lost control. And Im definately not allowed to feel like Ive failed.

In the beginning of the week, I really tried to reach out to my own mother. Looking for some kind of support and encouragement. Only she responded with the exact opposite. This kind of reaffirmed my feelings of failure. Because she wasnt understanding. And offered no words of advice, or comfort.

Sometimes, I hate being a single mom. And not because I need someone to help raise my kids. But because it would just be nice to have someone here. To be able to relax with someone at the end of the day, and be told Im appreciated...that Im not doing such a bad job. And for someone to return an I love you every once in a while.

I should be happy with how things are. But its hard not to want something more. I love my kids more than anything, but I still feel like theres something missing sometimes. All of my friends are married. I am the only single mom in our little mommy group. And sometimes things they say really get to me. Like how they cant deal with thier husbands being gone, or needing help when they are..... or not being meant to work, but meant to be a stay at home mom...Or how they cant wait for the time of day when thier husbands get home and give them a break..Or not being able to sleep alone. Or they talk about how great and helpful thier husbands are...But they quickly recant thier statements and justify it with me being strong enough to handle being a single mom. Thats not the case at all. I just do it because I have no other choice. I have to. For myself and my kids. I dont do it because I want to.

This is not something that has been a huge deal to me forever. In fact, I tell myself all the time, that its so much easier being single and not having to deal with someone else. But Im finding that I want that. Ugh. This being single thing lately, has been affecting me more than I would like to admit. And now, its rolling over into what I think about being a single mom. Surely there is a reason this is coming up all of a sudden. If not, lets brainstorm a way to make it go somewhere else.

Part 4...Not sure what to think about this one

Chapter 4: Protective Fences

Straight from the mouth of a woman:

People always say, "Shes such a pretty girl-she must have loads of boyfriends." Sometimes I think I sleep with men to prove that Im attractive-Im normal. I have sex so people wont think theres something wrong with me.----Amy age 22

This chapter talks about sexual boundaries. Where you learn them, how you put them into action, and how to stay true to them.

This one is kind of different for me. At the end of my last blog I kind of talked about my mom, and how she never told me sex was off limits. I wasnt raised in church, I didnt have a father figure to be my protector, so that left only me to make my own decisions about what was right and wrong. Which, sexual boundaries, as I learned in this chapter, can only come from deep within you. "Real boundaries are those you embrace for yourself" But you have to have some kind of guidance along the way so you CAN establish those boundaries. I had nothing to base my choices on. Sex was not a subject I ever talked about with my mom. EVER. I never had "the birds and the bees" talk. Was never told about safe sex. I guess my mom just assumed I should know these things. I dont know what she thought to be honest.

Chapter 4 questions

4. In the absence of sexual boundaries, how do you see women becoming the "weaker sex"? In what ways does this increase our vulnerability?

-In a culture where sex is so common, it makes it hard to have boundaries for yourself. Sex is everywhere. Women pose for half naked pictures to sell a pair of jeans....how do you compete with that? Or women who have no boundaries....who make themselves readily available to a man...Hes not going to waste his time on you, when he can get what he wants from her. This makes us weak. Because we give in, in fear of losing a man to someone else. And when we do this, we are making ourselves vulnerable to not having the kind of lasting loving relationship we long for.

5.What would you need in order to internalize a sense of sexual boundaries so that they are not about deprivation but about freedom and choice?

-Just reading about what Ive lost and that its not too late, is enough to make me see that NOT having sex gives me more freedom and happiness than trying to get something the wrong way and being miserable in the end...

Part 3..this is where I sell myself short

Chapter 3: A Woman's Power

Food for thought-

Like a solo rock star, [a male] must devise a bower, song, and dance that wows the gals. Among bowerbirds and most other animals as well, its the females that do the choosing.

-National Geographic

Chapter 3 is all about what the title states. The power we have as women. This is something that I never realized. But not to worry, I do now :)

There are many women in powerful positions, professional, educational, political. But there seems to be one area in our lives where women hesitate to claim power. A power that is uniquely ours, the power that arises from our sexuality. It cant be aquired, or copied, and its glory is that it makes you different from a man.

When you think of power, you think winners and losers...at least I do. True sexual power is a different thing. It rises out of the innate attractiveness God gave you as a woman, an allure that is incredibly desirable to a man. The attraction goes way beyond actual physical beauty. What a man is usually drawn to in a woman is two steps past her physical appearance. While he may lack words to express this, intuitively he knows he has stumbled on someone who can glimpse his heart, who seems to know him in ways he has always longed to be known. A man has a hunger that can only be touched by the innate kind of beauty we possess as women. WOW.

Sexual power adds to both individuals and subtracts from neither. It leads to great things. It creates something infinately valuable for everyone involved. But when women mess with thier sexual power by doling themselves out piece by piece with nothing true and lasting required in return, everyone loses.

When a woman fully understands her beauty, she sees that she has something incredibly valuable. The longing to realize this beauty makes us aware of an even deeper longing. We long for a man to see the worth in us and to cherish it. Cherish it so much that he returns over and over, always wanting more. Its a scary thing to realize how deeply you want something we cant guarantee.

Its important to see that this tender, inviting beauty does not originate within ourselves. But we owe it to God, to his very image imprinted at the depths of us.

Chapter 3 questions:

1.What are some of the negative and positive connotations for you regarding the idea that you, as a woman, have a sexual power given to you by God?

-Negative---Temptation. Its everywhere.

-Positive--To have the power to say yes or no. I dont really know?

3. When Bruce Springsteen wrote about a womans "secret garden," he was decribing the deep essence of a woman that is so inviting to a man. How would you describe the "secret garden" in your own heart? What do you want a man to take the time to get to know about you?

-Love song references :P Hmm. Im not sure what about me would be inviting to a man...let alone anyone else. Other than maybe my loving and caring nature? My mama hen type personality lol. I am a lover. And when someone comes into my life that I think is worth my time, I am 100% devoted to them.

-The one thing that I want someone to take the time to figure out is what makes me happy. I voice a lot about what makes me sad or angry. But no one has bothered to look any further than that.

5.That God allows a man's sexual vulnerablilty to be subject to your permission, your reception of him, is a huge thing. What do you hear in this? How does this motivate you?

-I think that it gives me the control to see a right man from a wrong man. To judge what his intentions are.

-It motivates me to think twice when it feels like Im not in control if I dont give in.

It is really hard for me not to touch on every subject written in these chapters. I feel like Im leaving something so important out. Im realizing things that stem back to when I was a teenager. I was never taught any of this from my mom. She never once said to me that sex was a sacred thing, meant to be shared in marriage. Sex was sex, be smart about it, and be safe. Just make the right choices when it came to sex and who it was with. Thats all I got. Now, at 25 years old, I can look back and realize that was the most damaging thing she could have been so lenient about. But, Im learning it now. And can teach my girls these things, so its not a lost cause yet. :)

And it continues

The girls are finally in bed, and I have all my "chores" done. So the only logical thing to do, it continue where I left off earlier. :)

Chapter 2: What women lose

The opener...

That women may actually be the losers in the sexual revolution is an idea just dawning on this generation of young women, who feel as sexually free as it is possible to feel and yet are so often powerless to experience anything more with the opposite sex than unsatisfying loveless flings.-Danielle Crittenden

Hold on tight. This one is gonna be bumpy.

This chapter talks about the emotional scarring women make themselves available to through sex and relationships. Please, tell me something I dont know....or maybe something else that isnt so depressing.

Facts:

Recent neurological studies on men and women's brains show that when a woman feels and emotion like sadness, it affects six times more area of her brain than would be affected in a man's brain. The common expression that a woman "feels more deeply" has an actual physiological basis.

Our basic orientation to life makes us more susceptible to the pain of sexual bonds that are made and then lost. Women are wired for connection.

A woman is designed to forge a connection with a man that has the capacity for ever-increasing levels of depth and intimacy. She is inclined to build a lasting relationship with a man-one that can withstand the rigors of job changes, mother-in-law irritations, and the onset of wrinkles. Everything in her cries out for a relationship that endures.

And, last...

The proof of our equality with men has become our ability to flat-line a broken heart.

Women now are expected not to feel anything. Todays culture is convincing us to deny our femaleness. We arent supposed to fear that relationships may not last, or grieve when its over. We arent supposed to be hurt, or betrayed, devastated...or to admit we had any expectations. This is so sad to me. Because this is the very way I was raised. I was raised by a single mom..who kept all her feelings hidden. I never saw her cry, even though I suspected she was hurting at times. I was taught to never let someone kno when you hurt, or let them get to you, because this was the first sign of weakness, and weakness was not allowed. I was never able to express these feelings, and now, as an adult, I react the same way. You wont know that you hurt me, or know that I think I am losing something, or know that I feel betrayed. (But there is one instance where I am very open with this. And I have yet to figure out why its so different with that person.) But grief is what tells you that you were meant for more, that God made your body and soul to be inextricably joined. Grief and hurt reminds you that you are human and that after all is said and done, you still have not managed to amputate your heart. The first step in reclaiming anything is to be able to name the pain, and be ready to let God do what only He can do.

So..after reading through chapter 2 questions...I am skipping them. I dont really know how I feel about them....

Maybe I can do question 2

2. Where is this culture do you observe the instance that you should be able to be sexually involved with a guy and not be emotionally attatched?

-NEVER. How can you not be emotionally attatched to someone you share something so special with?

And 3

3. What are some of the conclusions you have drawn out of the pain of a failed relationship? How do you see those conclusions now?

-In the middle of going through a "breakup" I think I feel like maybe I am just doomed to be alone forever lol. And if he didnt want me...who would. I have 2 kids, thats not something that guys are really looking for.

Now, I think I can see that I really wasnt in love with those people. There was something missing that I desperately need in a relationship. God. And I can accept the fact that I might be forever single, if thats what is meant to happen.

5-is not fun. But here goes

5. When, in a relationship, do you feel used or sense that you are in some way "using" someone else to meet your own needs?

Im going to answer the last part of this question only. Because its an eye opener.

I think in the past, I have used people to fill a void. I was searching for something, someone to make me happy.

Im starting to see that this is going to get harder. Boo. But I never really expected anything less. What I wasnt prepared for, was being so open to this. So, I will keep going.

Sex and the Soul of a Woman Part 1

This book was recently recommended to me by a friend at church. A question she asked triggered some feelings Ive been battling with for a while...along with the events that have happened recently. I have 2 kids, Ive never been married. Ive obviously had sex. But never really thought about how it effects me or will effect me in the future. This book so speaks to me. It doesnt make me feel bad about what Ive done in the past, but it makes me aware of the damage I am doing to myself. And that its also not too late to get back what Ive so freely given away.

Im on chapter 3 of this book. And already I can see and feel reactions to the hard hitting statements and questions it brings up. So, Im going to share some of that. Im not going to go through and hit on every single subject, just the ones that seem to apply the most to me. This book is brutally honest, and the questions it brings up, are no fun to say the least. But Im going to do my best to be open about it.

Chapter 1: A rose every friday

This chapter talks about how love and romance and courtship and sex differ now-a-days than it did 50 years ago. Its a sad realization to see the changes that have occured in those years. And women are missing out on some of the greatest experiences of falling in love the way women did then.

A few stand-out things I came across....

"People have been sleeping around, in and out of the wrong beds, since the dawn of time. The difference is that they knew how to blush."

-This is so true. Girls and women now, sex seems to be an accomplishment to add to thier list. A "skill" on thier resume.

"You are meant to be loved by a man whose face lights up when he sees you. Whether a woman marries or not, strength and respect are her God-given right."

-AKA...dont settle. You deserve the best.

"The desire for romance and the beauty of a good relationship, for deep connections with people that last through thick and thin, is like a homing device the God installs early on; and unless we have completely short-circuited, this is the very desire that will lead us home, in the most real sense of the word."

-Its 100% natural for a woman to feel and want this. To want this kind of relationship with a man. But we are taught to hide these feelings because its a sign of weakness.

I could go on and on with the shocking statements that literally make you gasp outloud...and reading through just this one chapter, opened my eyes to so much of what I do. And what I want, what Ive always wanted, and that its ok to want that.

Chapter 1 questions:

2. What would more romance in a relationship look like from your perspective?

This is one is hard for me, because I have never had romance in any relationship Ive been in. What a sad thought. LOL. I honestly have no idea. I dont know what romance is supposed to look like.. I have started to write something 2 times, and deleted it. Is there a right or wrong answer to this question? Because romance to me would not have some long definition. It wouldnt be complicated and need an explanation. Romance is love. Loving someone that gives you a new outlook on life. And makes you want to be a better person...not only for yourself, but for them as well.

3. When do you encounter a sense of "preemptive despair," the notion that hoping for much of anything in a relationship is just a setup for disappointment? What effect does the refusal to hope have on relationships?

This is something I enter every relationship with. Its so much easier to guard yourself and not have any expectations of it lasting, than to get your hopes up and be crushed in the end. I think that having this mind set, dooms the relationship from the start, because I am never giving myself to someone 100%.

5. In terms of a "deep and lasting attatchment" to a man, what qualities are you looking for in him? In the relationship itself?

-A best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and will whole heartedly listen. Someone who knows better when I say everything is "fine" A man who will know all of my flaws and still want to be around me. Someone who encourages me to be a better person. Who will be a constant reminder in my faith and relationship with God. And someone who will allow me to be the same for him.

I had every intention of fitting more than one chapter in this lol. But I think I will save the next one for later tonight. This is chapter 1 of 11. So hopefully your in this with me for the long haul. :)

Sleep is good

Its saturday night. The end to a pretty good day. The girls spent the night at thier grandmas last night, so I had a girls night with the friends. I love them to death. We played games and talked until 4am. It has been forever since Ive done that. It was nice to just have fun, and not think about anything else :)

Which I guess brings us back to today. Since the girls were at thier grandmas, I went yard saling with my sister. We hardly ever to anything without kids, so it was definately a nice change. She called me at 730 to go. I had just went to bed 3 hours earlier, but what the heck. Who needs sleep. We ended up having to call the friend to help her move a grill. I was seriously reluctant to do this....but she seriously was not leaving without this thing. So I text...no response. I think Im off the hook at this point. My sister insists I call...No answer. Im out of the clear. She was ready to leave, when he ever so conveniently texts back and is more than willing to help. Yay. I cant wait to see him after all this. It wont be weird at all. NOT. Im pretty sure he flung a bee hive at me on purpose. Even if he didnt intentionally do it, subconsiously, he was thinking it. True story. Ugh. Let me say that again. Ugh. I knew this would not be as easy as he made it out to be. I tried to just let him help my sister with the grill. I stayed out of the way and avoided conversation. And thankfully my friend knew just the right time to text me to give me something else to do. Anti-social...yes. Rude..probably. But do I just act like everything is fine? This is not something we've talked about. Then again, we havent talked much about anything. I can see this going nowhere fast.

Moving on.

The girls and I went to church tonight. A super good start to a fun series. It talked about facing your lions...aka..your fears. This is making me think about all my fears. But really none of them are relevant if you think about it. God gives you the strength to do anything, and overcome anything. You just have to trust that.

We came home and cooked dinner, the girls helped me clean a little. Mady ended up falling asleep on the couch. Emma asked to go to bed. It was a pretty good day...which equals a boring blog at this point. Im exhausted, but of course cant sleep. I think I will be checking out a sleep doctor very soon.

A blog to you...THE friend

Theres not much we dont talk about. Thats what I like about you. But there are so many things that didnt get said today. And so much Ive come to realize since I talked to you last. Funny how much you can learn in 9 hours. You may never read this.....But this is for you :)

It was so easy for me to get caught up in the idea of you "ending" things between us. I never really listened to why. I mean, you've said it before, and I know that your faith and me is something you struggle with. I really just heard all the bad stuff. And none of it really was.

I respect you so much as a man, and so much as a man of God. To listen to your convictions and act on them, is not something most men are able to do. Especially when they are tempted by lust. And you have no idea how much it means to me, to know that you are not only doing this for you, but you are doing it for me also. It was really hard to see that at first. But I know you mean it. Im lucky to have someone like you that is so devoted to God, and willing to sacrifice your own wants for Him. This has been a small step back in our friendship, so we can refocus ourselves on God, and make it right. This is Gods way of of telling us we are losing sight of that. But we started this with a friendship built on a spiritual foundation. And Im confident that it will continue to grow.

I am still dealing with some issues when it comes to this. And it does hurt..though I couldnt really tell you why right now. But I give up trying to control something that has never been mine to control. I handed that off along time ago. Just know, that with or without the other stuff, you do make me happy. You mean a lot to me. Its not everyday you find something like I did, and its going to take a lot more than this, to push me away :)

Can someone break your heart if they never fully had it?

Today was the day. I knew it was coming. I really did. After yesterday, I knew it. And I did nothing to prepare myself for it.

This whole time, I knew I was playing with fire. Setting myself up for disaster. But its hard to remember that in the middle of the good times.

When I first met "the friend", it was nothing but casual conversation. Our friendship quickly grew, and it was so easy to trust him and talk to him. At the moment I felt myself opening up, I prayed and asked God to take control of whatever happened. When I give God control, He never fails me. I have learned this lesson over and over again. So I didnt hesitate when it came to my heart. Eventually, our friendship turned intimate. But that was as far as it got. Friends with benefits. Again, I went to God with this. I prayed and asked why he was in my life. And if I was going to get hurt, to please interfere. Nothing. So this went on for just about 4 months. Our friendship grew more and more. Even minus the sex. I had this amazing guy that was there for me no matter what. There were several times, when we hit bumps, that I doubted what we were doing. But it was good the way it was for the most part. I was happy. I enjoyed him. And I was thankful I was finally feeling like this again.

Then, as you know, I let my feelings get too involved. But it was all good as long as he didnt know that. No reason to scare him away and lose everything...I was ok with that.

After I came to realize this, it all fell apart. I was all over the place. And for good reason. He was shutting down more and more. I had a brief moment of hope over the holiday weekend. But I think that seemed to just add fuel to the fire.

And here we are at Wednesday. The morning started off good. We were textng each other like usual. Then 9:30am came around. This is when the serious talk started. But I dont think I was ready to hear what was coming. The struggles he has been having....is with God. How can I be mad at that? How can I not be understanding? I feel guilty that I have made him do something he feels so strongly against. And..then, when he so clearly points out that what we have been doing is wrong in the eyes of God...I wonder why I dont have those feelings. I know its wrong. But here's the sad part. I cant help but feel angry. Angry at God. Angry at him (the friend) Couldnt all of this happened sooner than later. Im hurt that he is choosing something that doesnt involve me. This is so selfish of me. I dont understand how we can be such great friends, and been through what we have, and yet he still doesnt want anything more. It hurts that it is so easy for him to let go. He is very reassuring that he wants to still be friends, but I question if he really does or not.

So, 2 hours of sitting here, writing, talking to him, and trying to figure it all out....I am no better off than I was when all of it started this morning. There are so many emotions going through me. I know it was just sex. And that we can and probably will still be great friends without it. Which is what I want. I just need to move passed all of these feelings and trust that its the right thing to do.

If you find my sanity, could you please return it

"Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawl." - Ann Landers


Today has been another day of "reflection" on my current relationship.

So, "the friend" (maybe one day I can actually say his name) went to my family bbq yesterday. It was fun. After he left, I didnt hear from him the rest of the night. Not a big deal. I knew him and his daughter had plans. So I didnt hear from him this morning like I usually do. Great. Another day where he ignores me. Ugh. This gets old. I went about my day. (Had a great interview for a job fyi) And went to the dr for this skin eating disease that is taking over my arm (more on that later) And around 1, I finally gave in and text him.....told him my interview went good. He said -"awesome! Been thinking about you." Hmmm. Really? Because I havent heard from you since yesterday??? We talked a little more about small stuff, and I ask him what he's doing later tonight. He said "Not really sure. Probably just hanging with the kid" I try to be playful at this point, and was shot down hard. He finally explains when he gets like this that he struggles between right and wrong....Its nothing towards me at all. It just hits him sometimes. --What does this mean? You know, this isnt the first time he's acted like this. But it doesnt happen very often. I try really hard to be understanding. He's very open about it and I eventually get it out of him that he is dealing with these feelings. But it still doesnt make me feel any better when he ignores me and shuts me out.


Ugh. I wish this could just be fun and uncomplicated like it used to be! I had a good conversation with my best friend and later my sister about this today. Both gave pretty good advice. I dont want to end what we have. I like it, I enjoy it, I like him and I enjoy him. I just need to learn to filter out my feelings and think before I speak. I think when he doesnt talk to me, I feel like Im not in control of the situation. Which I have issues with. And just talking about it with someone else gave me a new perspective on the situation.
I also thought about some of the feelings I was having yesterday having him around my family. It was a pretty scary scene in the beginning. And I realized that we had just taken it to a whole other level. Maybe he's just having the same feelings? And he obviously deals with them differently than me. Im a talker...and he is definately a quiet thinker. So, this is where I try out a new approach. I sit, and wait for him to get out of this mode...I dont make it worse. I dont over react. I dont drive myself crazy thinking of all the could be's. I dont want to do something that is going to jeopardize us (for lack of better words) right now. Seems like a good plan for the time being.