I find myself often doubting if God really knows what he's doing. Im just going to put it out there straight. I know every little thing that happens is on purpose. But sometimes its hard to see that purpose.
Let me tell you a little about the Jackson family. I met this family of 4 at church about 9 months ago. They have a sweet baby girl named Sierra that I have in nursery. And a 7 year old little girl that I instantly bonded with, Olivia. Both are amazing little girls that I adore. And thier mom and dad are equally amazing. In March, Roy (aka thier dad) was diagnosed with colon cancer. The most vicious cancer there is. Hes battled this for months, gone through chemo and radiation. And was on the path to getting better. Until about 3 weeks ago. He was rushed to the hospital for severe stomach pain. The doctors admitted him. After a few days of testing, they concluded that the cancer was back with a vengeance. It was spreading quickly. And his fight against this cancer was coming to an end. At that point, they told him that he had less than 6 months to live. 6 months. Not long enough. As the weeks progressed, he got worse. His wife Marie is trying to cope with 2 little girls and the reality that she is losing her husband and her girls were going to be without thier daddy. She is incredibly strong.
A few days ago, Roys liver went into failure. The doctors have given him less than a week to live. Its hard to understand at this point, where Gods going with this. He is taking away a womans husband. Her one and only love. He is taking away 2 little girls dad. Doesnt He know, a dad is supposed to watch his girls grow up? Be the only man in her life? Threaten her dates? And one day, walk her down the aisle? Doesnt God see that He is taking this from these sweet babies, and this daddy? I dont understand. Its so hard to watch this family. To hear a 7 year old tell me that her daddy is going to heaven. To even comprehend that a 7 year old has to understand what cancer and death is. It makes me angry and sad and confused all at the same time. No matter how hard I pray for Roy, and for his family, it never seems to be enough. They still suffer. Roy still hurts. And the fact is that 2 little girls will be without a daddy sooner than we know.
Roy comes home from the hospital tomorrow. His insurance wont pay for any more hospital time. The doctors are giving up because his insurance coverage is used up. Another mystery to me. Arent doctors supposed to fight for life till the end? He is coming home with hospice care. And his family will watch him die at home. At least they will get to be with him....
I think this family and the whole situation hits so hard, because I lost someone battling the same cancer that Roy has. My mom was engaged to the most wonderful man that was diagnosed with colon cancer. We watched him suffer. By the time they found the cancer, it was too far gone to do any kind of treatments. Though he did undergo some experimental treatments in hopes it would help someone in the future. He went from being a strong, loving, sensitive, solid man to a man grapsing for life. Though I will say, he never said he was in pain. He didnt want any of worrying. Not that we didnt, but he sure did have a way at making sure we were put at ease and not hurting for him. What an incredible man.
But even to this day, and its been about 10 years since he passed away, I havent been able to figure out where Carls death fit into Gods plan. What purpose did his suffering and pain serve? And how did taking my moms soulmate from her, benefit her?
I have lots of unanswered questions. And lots of unanswered prayers. But through all the doubt, and uncertainty, the only way I make it through, is with the comfort that God does know what hes doing, and one day we will figure that out.
Please pray for this family. Roy, Marie, Olivia and Sierra. They need all the prayers they can get in this very difficult time. Pray for peace, pray for comfort, and pray that they never lose sight of God even though they are hurting.
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