Couldnt have picked a better day for things to go crazy

It has been one of those days. My children have been absolute monsters, in every aspect of the word. They have been hateful, whiney, and down right defiant with me. I havent been any better. Ive been short tempered and irritable today. Everything seems to annoy me. Im pretty sure someone told me it was a full moon tonight...so Im going to blame it on that.

I was so ready to get to church tonight, and honestly, just so I could have an hour without my kids....sounds bad huh.
Class tonight was step 4...taking a personal moral inventory. Boo! Who wants to sit down and put on paper all your faults??? Not me thats for sure. Especially with the mood Ive been in today. Not fun. I assume this step will take me a while to do, just like the forgiveness one. Good thing its on my time...... After our video, we break into our small groups, just like always. I was so detached from what we were talking about in class, I didnt even know what we were supposed to be talking about. Not my best moment as a small group leader. Thank goodness I have a wonderful group of understanding women. We seemed to all survive and make it through discussion ok though. It amazes me how willing I am to talk about things with these people I just met 3 weeks ago. Some of the things I hear myself say, my own family doesnt know I struggle with. I must be crazy. We get off topic alot....probably because Im the group leader lol. But the compassion and honesty that goes on in our little 30 minute class is like nothing Ive seen before. I went in there today with zero intention of participating, I was just there to fill a seat tonight. But the minute we started talking, I threw that thought right out the window. And after class was over, I went to pick the girls up from nursery. They were still high strung and wild, but I was definately a different person from the one who dropped them off an hour before.
I am glad today was such a rough day for me. I dont think if it wasnt, I would be able to realize how wonderful this class and these people really are. Its so easy for me to go through the motions because Ive done it before. Im not sure I took it again with the intentions of getting more out of it. I mean, theres nothing there I havent already heard. I was just excited to be able to help other people learn about this process and see how great it is. But I can see now, that its definately the other way around. These people are helping me work on myself even more than I did the first time around. :)

Here we go again

I have spent all day sick. This routine gets so old. I know after years of suffering from this, I should be used to it, but I never will. I was hopeful when I had my EDG done, and it showed I had a gluten intolerence. I finally had an answer to my problem. All I had to do was follow a gluten-free diet, and my symptoms would go away. The first month after my diagnosis, I was hopeful. I went a full month with no issues. And a couple weeks into the next month were uneventful. Then, all of a sudden, it was back. And back with a vengence. This time, it landed me at the dr. Most of the time I can handle it. I at least know theres an end in sight. The last 2 times Ive been sick, it has been horrible. Id much rather be in labor than dealing with my stomach issues. I would love to believe that the diagnosis of Celiac Disease is the answer. But Im starting to have my doubts again, I just dont understand why there isnt one single doctor who can figure out what it is.
Its 8:55pm. And although Im still feeling bad, I am at least feeling a little bit better. Just in time to go to bed. My whole day has been spent laying on the couch. My poor children were lucky to get lunch today. I hate that when I get sick like this, how much it takes out of me. Even after I start feeling better, I am extremely exhausted. So hopefuly I go to bed tonight and wake up feeling 100% tomorrow.

Take Two

I sat down last night and tried to focus on writing for a little bit. Its been one of those weeks, and I was definately looking forward to the outlet, but for some reason, I hit a wall. I am very easily distracted. So. Here I am, trying one more time.



Ok. Last night I am pretty sure I started off with a recap of my week.

Still no word on the job front. I know its a waiting game, but my patience level is in the red. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing. Be patient...trust....better things are in store for you....one door closes, another one opens....Tons of empty cliches. Something to tell someone when they are in a bad time in thier life. These same words have graced my lips a time or two. I am trying really hard to believe them. And I think Im doing good for the most part. Im still OK at the moment. But I also know that will only last so long. So lets pray, for my sake and sanity, that it comes sooner than later.

My foot is actually doing pretty good. Today I walked on it without it wrapped all day. And friday I was on it most of the day and it didnt start hurting until the end of the day when I was able to sit down. Its more sore than anything. And the muscles in my leg hurt. Im sure I remember someone saying something about the muscles overcompensating for my foot or something like that.

Wednesday night was our first NPCU class. It was really good, but I already knew it would be. I was extremely nervous to be one of the group leaders for the women. Im not exactly sure why. This is definately not the first time Ive done something like this. I think I was more worried about making everyone feel welcome and comfortable so that they will want to come back next week. I think it went pretty good though. Friday night was the first annual scavenger hunt for NPC SinglesLIFE. Which was a BLAST. I had so much fun. My group didnt win, but we had fun trying :) I am so thankful for a church that has introduced me to so many great friends. My nursery coordinator said to me today, "Dawn, you know so many people here." I had to laugh, because I hardly know anyone. Or at least it doesnt seem that way. but she pointed out to me that several people stopped at the counter to say hi to me today. That makes me smile :)

Its been another one of those weeks where people seem to want to play matchmaker with me. This thankfully doesnt happen very often, but its still very annoying when it does. I hate being asked about my "relationship status" The answer itself doesnt bother me, its more the person whos asking reaction. I really dont understand why people find it so crazy that I am ok with being single. Sometimes I surprise myself too I guess. I am a hopeless romantic. I love sappy romance movies and love songs. And even though I have had my fair share of bad relationships, I still believe there is someone out there for me. I still believe in a kind of love that lasts forever. I want to grow old with someone. To one day be married to my best friend. I know, thanks to my friend, that there is a love that doesnt fight, doesnt hate, and doesnt hurt. I think that some people think Im bitter and have ill feelings about love and relationships, but thats not it at all. I know what I want and what I dont want now. Before, I only thought I knew, and I ended up settling. And, well, lets just say that didnt work out too well :) I do sometimes have moments of self pity. Times when Im lonely. Days when being alone makes me sad. But I am pretty sure thats normal. Luckily, they dont come around too often. I am, for the first time in a very long time, 100% truely happy with myself. Its taken a lot of work to get here. And I know thats a great foundation to start with. So I can just make sure Im prepared and willing and open to someone when the time comes. But, in the meantime, quit trying to "hook" me up with random people....Im not biting lol

Wondering why Im still awake...

Its 11:30pm. I went to bed 2 hours ago. And yet, Im still awake. Ive been doing really good to control my endless overthinking lately, but it seems to have caught up with me tonight. I can understand the stress of still being job-less, not knowing what to do next, or know what will happen when I run out of money.... but I am not finding myself thinking about any of that to be honest. This surprises me too, dont worry :)

I know everyone is bored hearing about my nonexistant love life, but it seems to be weighing on my heart pretty heavy today. I cant seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. For the past year, I have done a great job at keeping myself busy and preoccupied. I havent really had to think about it that much. And it is easy for me to say "Im fine" when people ask about it. But my little mini vacation these last 2 weeks has made it hard to overlook what Ive worked so hard to ignore.
I read my post from a week ago, and I went on and on about how I was happy being single. How is it so easy for something like that to come out of my mouth? Have I said these lies for so long that even Im convinced of them? Because reading what I wrote seemed like I made a pretty good case. Maybe I should consider becoming a lawyer....
Dont get me wrong, I am happy. I have 2 beautiful little girls. The things Ive accomplished for myself, I never knew I had in me. But still, theres something missing. And Im not exactly sure what that is. I know a lot of stuff that I could write about here. About people: past, present, and future. About thoughts, feelings, and wants. But, Im Dawn. And Im famous for not putting myself out there that much. This whole blogging thing is still pretty new to me. And I KNOW people read it, because they talk to me about it. Hopefully I get over that soon...Id like to look at it as just writing to myself. A little therapy for the soul :) I will just keep it simple for now. Hopefully all this thinking is simply a symptom of too much time on my hands. If not, I better find a solution to this problem sooner than later. Because I do not like this feeling one bit.

God never gives you more than you can handle

I really think God gives me more credit than I deserve. This week has been horrible. Not to mention all the events Ive faced this entire past year. I just have to laugh sometimes.
I lost my job monday, woke up with the stomach flu tuesday and fell and fractured my foot tuesday night. Sounds fun doesnt it? Now, normally, I am a worrier by nature. Its what I do. And, dont get me wrong, being a single mom and jobless doesnt exactly put me at ease, but I somehow know everythings going to be ok. If Ive learned anything in the last year, its this.....
Give your troubles to God and he will take care of them.

Ive heard this my whole life, but never really believed it.
There have been several times over the course of the past 12 months, where it would have been so easy for me to just give up and throw in the towel. Thats typically what I do when things dont go my way. But I decided one day to try out this "theory" (for lack of better words).
I remember the day and conversation with God like it was yesterday. I had recently moved into my new apt, a single mom, with a broken heart, torn between what was right, and what I thought my heart wanted, working part time somewhere that paid minimum wage, when reality hit me. I was alone for the very first time in 7 years. I was 100% financially responsible for everything for the first time in my life. I was the only person around to take care of my girls. I had to work after being a stay at home mom for almost 3 years. I was dealing with judgemental people, both my family and not. And I realized I didnt even know who I was outside the life I had just left behind. It was a rude awakening to say the least. So, I was driving home from work one night after I had picked the girls up from daycare. It was about 10pm and both babies were fast asleep in the back seat. When I pulled into the parking lot at home, I looked back at them, and just started crying. I remember thinking, this is not how my life is supposed to be going. Thats when I knew something had to change. Sitting there, in the car, in the dark, I had a heart to heart with God. Everything that had gone wrong in my life, I gave it back to Him. All the doubts, I gave Him control. All the worry, I let it go to Him. I knew I couldnt do all this by myself, so I asked God to be present in every way He could. Over the course of the next few weeks, I got a new job, a better paying job with a much better schedule. I was able to be home with the girls every night. Everyday, the hurt in my heart was less and less, until one day I was happy with things just the way they were. Instead of looking for someONE to make me happy, I was able to be happy with myself. I settled into my apt and made it a home for me and the girls. I was able to open up and have better friendships with people. And I realized for the first time in a very long time, that I am important...I matter. I was able to buy stuff for myself and do things on my own without feeling guilty.
It seems like a lot when I write it out. So many things happened in a short time. But I really do know that if I just give my troubles to God, He will see to it that I am taken care of. And maybe thats why I am not panicked about my current situation. I have to have faith that what has happened is just one more thing that God has planned for me.And maybe I should look at it as a compliment. Becuase if God really never gives you more than you can handle, I must be one STRONG woman.
Now, my foot on the other hand, I think is just a test. Good to know God has a sense of humor :)