Excuse me while I blog in bed

Its Monday night :) A few hours left of Memorial Day weekend. The start of this weekend was pretty bad to say the least. For whatever reason, I let a bunch of little stuff get to me. And I dont feel that Im 100% out of the clear of this "funk" Ive been in. But today was a good day. The girls slept in, and I actually got some sleep last night. After laying in bed for 2 hours, I finally gave in and took some benedryl. It seemed to work. I got about 7 1/2 hours of solid sleep for the first time in a very long time.

The girls and I kinda just hung out all morning. We didnt do much at all. It was a nice feeling. We headed to my sisters about 1pm for a family bbq, along with some fun games and yummy ice cream cake in tow. Friday, I casually invited "the friend" and his daughter to come. I had zero hope that they would. He just mentioned they didnt have plans, so it seemed kinda natural to say "You guys should come" After that, I didnt mention it again to him. And last night he asked what time it was, that they were thinking about coming. At 11:30 today, I asked if they were, and his reply-"Its a definate maybe" lol. At this point, I just assume they arent. There have been several occassions where this exact scenerio has occured, and nothing ever came from it. But turns out, he was serious. They came. We ate, the kids played in the pool. We played the infamous game in my family- Catchphrase. It was a really nice afternoon. I was kinda concerned about my private life merging with my personal life. But, nothing about it was wierd. I had to just kinda sit back and watch everything happen, because it was strange to see it play out....but not in a bad way. It made me happy :) I was fully prepared for a round of 20 questions from my family afterwards. They are usually pretty nosey. But, the only thing I got was, "They are super sweet people. Invite them to come again." Can we rewind and hear that again? My family, MY family, didnt ask a single question. Definately a good day :)

The girls were super good little girls when we got home. I got clean rooms out of both of them. We danced in the living room and Emma sang me her ever so imaginative songs. She makes them up as she goes. This little girl never fails me. Shes so smart, and so creative. And knows more than a 4 year old should know. Mady seemed to find it neccessary to cover me in kisses. And who could turn down her puckered up little face? I am slowly learning that my children know when I am sad and in a mood. They reflect how I act. And when I see that they are having a rough day again, I hope Im able to step back and take a look at myself to see whats going on.

Its days like this that make me so thankful for everything I have. I have a great life. I am constanly needing reminders like this. I find myself wanting everything I dont have more often than not. And the truth is, I have everything I need. Aside from a job maybe, but that will come soon enough too.

Make the madness stop

This week has been awful. Nothing is seeming to go right, my kids have embraced a new snotty attitude, my patience level is in the red, Ive been knocking on depressions door all week, Im not sleeping....Im seriously waiting on the world to come to an end.

I dont even know where to start.

The girls have left me wondering what Ive done so wrong as a parent. The way they have been acting is completely new to me. My oldest is down right defiant to me. She will tell me no, talk back, and purposely do things she knows is wrong. My youngest seems to be following right in her footsteps. I feel like I spend all day yelling at them. And that makes me feel like a horrible mom.

For the last couple of years, I have been dealing with psoriasis on my left arm. Its not been too bad, until last year. The funny thing is, it goes away in the winter, and comes back in the summer. Over the last few days, its started showing up again. I hate it. It looks disgusting. I wish I knew something to make it not be so bad. Or at least not look so bad.

Im still JOB-less. In the beginning, this didnt really bother me, but its definately starting to take its toll on me. I like working. And though the girls and I have enjoyed out mini vacation, I am ready to go back. I did get a little bit of good news tonight from a friend that will hopefully turn into a great opportunity for me.

The last month, I have hardly been sleeping. I think the most amount of sleep Ive had in one night, is 5 hours. Im not neccessarily tired from no getting sleep, but some nights I just wish I could get enough to where I feel rested. Last night, I went to bed at 930. I laid there until 12:30 trying to go to sleep. Then, 3 hours later, I wake up. And am wide awake...At 3:30am! I tried to force myself to go back to bed...4 hours later, I gave up and decided to just get up for the day. After working at church all day, I am exhausted. And I can feel it.

All the events that have happened this week have really started to stack up and work against me. Tonight, its finally caught up with me. I can feel myself heading into a place that Ive done so good to avoid. I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. Its never been extreme..I kinda just explain it as a "funk" Im in. It passes as quickly as it came on. And no one ever knows. I do a really good job of hiding it. Appearantly my "happy face" is really believable. But the last year, it has gotten worse. Probably because at night when the girls go to bed, its just me. Loneliness is never a good cure for depression. This time its lasted 2 whole days. I really hope tomorrow is better. Its Memorial Day. My family is having a BBQ. And I texted my sister today to tell her I wasnt going to make it. Which is what Im famous for when I feel like this. I shut people out...which makes it 10 times worse. Talking about all of it seems to be helping a little though. Now if I could just get some sleep tonight, I think I might be ok.

It rhymes with GLOVE

Do you ever have one of those days where you have a not so fun realization? Today is that day for me.

Warning: Dont read any further if your tired of hearing about the "friend" or are going to say those famous "I told you so" words....

Have you noticed that relationships were so much easier before all these networking sites got involved? If someone didnt talk to you for an entire day, you could just come to the logical conclusion that they fell off the face of the earth. Now, keeping that train of thought is hard when you can be secretly nosey. Here's the set up....

I talked yesterday about how "the friend" and I hadnt talked all day. I assumed he was really busy at work. We havent ever gone a whole day without talking. Plus, I do know he is going through a lot lately with his home life, so that seemed to pacify me. Until facebook. Yes, gotta love facebook. Nothing like being able to see what people are doing, who they are taking to, what they are saying.....dangerous. So, my reasoning as to why he hadnt talked to me was completely wrong. He wasnt busy...at least not too busy to like someone's seductive swimsuit picture....comment on several peoples statuses....and be socially networking his ass off. Knock knock..Whos there? Heartbreak sucker.

Why is this bothering me? We are just friends. I have no claim on him. And, where its easy for me to talk about how I feel about him in my blog, he wouldnt know any of that.

This is where the realization comes in. When I saw what he was doing and saying....and knowing he was blowing me off...that hurt me. For the past year, I have built this incredibly strong wall. No one has been able to get past it. I have dated...and the minute someone showed any kind of interest in me, I bailed. I have done so good at guarding my heart. And Ive been perfectly content with that. And then....he happened. And Im not trying to sound crazy and say that Im madly in love and forever want to be with this person...but he's the first person to make me feel this way in a very long time. And for someone to make me feel that in the slightest way, well he must be special. I dont know what that means. I dont know if it means anything. I have shut those feelings out and not allowed them to get in the way because I know he doesnt feel the same way. Maybe its just a really strong like for him? That sounds stupid. Does that mean I want more? Because you can L@*e a friend right?

I talked to him today. Not so much about this, but trying to figure out why he's shutting me out. And I told him that it hurt me. He said that was never his intent, and he wants things to be like they used to between us. He misses that. He lets his own insecurities get in the way. And this next statement is the kind of thing that makes my heart melt...."You are such a sweetheart and so amazing in so many ways." Ugh. Just when I thought ending this was the best answer, he says something like that to me. I did mention maybe we should stop, and he said "I enjoy you. Not just the...well you know, but you. Our friendship, your advice, talking to you.." And he's not the type of person to tell me what I want to hear to get what he wants, because there are several women I know that would take my place in a heartbeat. So this is where the confusion comes in. Why does he bother? I do not make things easy for him at all. But yet he sticks around for it. And I wish I knew why.

The end to a perfectly hectic monday

"It's just another manic Monday

I wish it was Sunday

Cause that's my funday

My I don't have to runday

It's just another manic Monday"

Have you ever had one of those days? The Bangles sure seem to know what Im talking about.

Around 3am, both girls came and crawled in bed with me...I had literally 12" of space on my queen size bed. They were both sleeping in the middle of the bed with a good 2 feet of open bed on the other side. Needless to say, around 7, I gave up trying to get any kind of good sleep, and just got up. The girls, on the other hand, slept in til 10.

I woke up to a disgustingly dirty house. Which I guess I should have been prepared for. It looked the same way when I went to bed. Too bad no one decided to break in and clean it in the middle of the night. With nothing better to do, I started in on disaster clean up. I will say, it looks 500 times better than it did, but I put off vacuuming and laundry. It at least resembles what my house used to look like. My mom and Ray brought over 2 dressers for Madys room and an entertainment center for Emmas room. So I also did a little furniture rearranging. My favorite thing to do. Seriously. LOL. My mom also brought me my down comforter today. !!!!!! I cant wait to go to bed. Its like sleeping under a cloud. And is so nice and cool in the summer :)

Mady has been a little sick today. Which is strange for me to deal with because the kid has an immune system like the terminator. She is never sick. She is the sweetest cuddliest little baby when she is though. After relaxing after cleaning, the girls and I made a yummy ice cream cake. It was beyond messy. There was ice cream and chocolate everywhere, but it tastes like pure heaven :) And a really good alternative to "regular cake" since thats on the list of gluten no-no's. We had a blast cooking dinner together. The girls had thier aprons on, and I realized after I saw how messy I got, that I need to invest in one of these also lol.

I didnt talk to "the friend" at all today. Usually he texts me good morning, or vice versa...but after he didnt, I just decided I wasnt going to today. And I never heard from him. I really do think he may be 'seeing' someone else. Which I honestly dont care about, but Ive told him if and when he does, that we are done. That is one thing Im not ok with. He assures me there is only me. But lately its been different. He's been different. Ive tried to give him an easy out, but he's persistant on keeping what we have. I dont understand him.

On top of that, I get an email from a guy I dated back in October (for a couple months) I havent talked to him since January when he drunk texted me on New Years. We talked for a few days, and then he basically tells me to leave him the hell alone..when I didnt contact him in the first place. He told me in his email that he was sorry about that, and that he was sorry about breaking up. I asked him today, why he is wanting to all of a sudden talk to me again....his response..."Everyone needs friends right?" Ummmm. Really?

I give up! Sometimes I wonder why God is teasing me with these people. The latter guy I can live without. But the former...its like He's dangling him in front of me but I can never reach him. Funny.....Or not.

Anyway. This is where I get to the part of the end of my day. Im sitting here drinking a glass of Cherry wine...Ive never had it before, and havent decided it I like it or not yet. But its quiet in my house, and I can sit and look back on a crazy monday, and at least be thankful for it. It was busy, and hectic, and a little stressful at times. But I imagine Id be pretty bored if it was slow and quiet, and peaceful all day. :) Im off to bed, and to mentally prepare myself for the next worst day of the week....terrible tuesday. (i must research to see if there is a song about tuesday)

Once again, HE does not fail me

I was so hurt and confused about the whole birthday party situation. And Im not even sure why. I have been doing good with all this...or so I thought. All day , this was weighing on my heart. I prayed, asking for guidance and answers and to be able to deal with it in a calm matter. In the late afternoon, I think those prayers were answered. I was able to come to the decision that letting the girls go to this birthday party with thier family is not the worst thing in the world. And, that theyd like to go, and will have fun. Its not hurting anything for the moment. And, until everyone proves otherwise, theres nothing that has happened recently to make me fear anything. So I am trusting thier grandma to take them. And take care of them. And I can honestly say that Im ok with this.

Later that night, I got a text from Emmas dad about her summer visitation with him. 3 weeks. Seriously? After the hurdle I was just faced with and able to overcome...lets test me a little more. Please :) But you know what? I am ok with this too. I am able to look at it like this.....They (Emmas dad and step mom) deserve to get to see her as much as I do. They've messed up in the past, but they deserve the chance to make it right for Emma, and I owe it to Emma to give them that chance. Emma will get to spend time with her brother and sister and 2 step sisters, see her grandparents, and the rest of her family there. This is a good thing. For everyone.

What to do.....

My ex's parents are really involved in the girls' life. The girls go visit them every week and spend the night with them on occassion. Me and Connie (Kanen's mom) have had several fall outs in the past. Most shave been since her son and I split up. She has betrayed me, went behind my back, lied to me...The little bit of trust I had in her, is gone. The girls spent the night with her last night, and she called me this morning to let me know she was on her way to bring the girls home. Before she hung up, she told me the girls had been invited to Kanens stepson's birthday party sunday night, and she wanted to know if she could take them. She had to add in that both her and the girls' grandpa will be there, and she knows April (the wife) was in the wrong, but Aprils realized that, and has "changed"......I told her Id really have to think about it. She said she hopes I make the right CHRISTIAN choice...like letting my kids go see a man that is an alcoholic and an abuser is the right christian thing to do! She said because a christian forgives....and a good christian woman would want her children's dad to be in thier life. So shes playing the guilt trip on me...and like always, its working. I DO NOT want my children to go over there. They havent seen them since the beginning of January..theres no reason to go to a birthday party. And then, she tells Emma to tell me she wants to go...so that doesnt help.

I know they will be ok. I know Connie and Larry will take care of them. Its just so hard with everything that they have been through...that Ive been through, to let him back in. I am seeing the damage caused by Emmas dad. He has been less than constant in Emmas life, but he's recently been better about this. I have prayed and prayed for God to have a hand in his life and his life with Emma. And for me to be able to have the strength to make it through it. I finally was given a sense of peace in my heart, and could be happy that he was doing the right thing. And then this weekend, he cancelled. Emma asked if she was going to Daddy Joshs and I had to tell her no. Despite all the struggles shes been through, I could see the hurt on her face and this broke my heart all over again. I feel so helpless in these situations because I cant protect my girls from this kind of hurt. And I know I cant. I can only be here for them, and make sure they have love and security from me. And trust that the other people in thier life are making the same choices.

This one question today, opened up all these feelings Ive been doing so good with conquering. My heart is hurting for these 2 precious little girls that are being affected by other peoples stupid choices in life. I not only feel guilty about this, but I feel guilty that I may be doing the wrong thing. Im being selfish and doing what I feel is best. But is it really whats best? I feel like I am failing. As a parent right now, and as Gods child. If I was doing the right thing, the thing that pleases God, then Im positive I wouldnt have this doubt in my heart. I just pray that Im able to think things through and not be forced to do something I dont feel comfortable with, and that God will once again give me answers and the peace I am seeking.

Figuring out what we are...labels :/

In the middle of a conversation with "the friend" today, he said the word LOVERS. I responded with "good thing Im not considered your lover then" And he wanted to know what I am then. I dont know? Im someone you talk to when you want some. Im your FWB...only without the friend part lately. What do I say to this? And is it really neccessary to label what we are? I mean, I KNOW what we are. And this conversation has put a serious spin to our fun relationship. Dont get me wrong, we've hit our fair share of bumps along the way, but nothing like this. Ive tried to talk to him about this before. But he just jokes. And now, all of a sudden, he's concerned about it?? This guy is so confusing. Im finally at a point where Im used to him and whats going on, and can fully enjoy it, and he's going to start in with the uncertainty. Grrr. I never knew this would be so complicated.....OK, maybe I did, but still.

Knowing when to stop

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~Dorothy Nevill

I am a talker. I love to talk. When Im happy, I talk. When Im sad, I talk. When Im angry, I talk. You get the idea. I want to talk about my problems. Talk out a fight and come to a conclusion. This is probably a huge factor in me being single lol. When I know my friends are hurting or angry, I want them to talk about it with me. And I take offense when they dont want to share. Im not sure why that is. Ive been doing really good lately at just letting it go when someone is holding back. But that doesnt mean its not eating at me on the inside lol. It drives me crazy!

In the past, my talkative nature has caused me problems. Its hard for me to know when enough is enough. I can admit to this. I think when people respond to me, and are involved in a converstation with me, it gives me a feeling of being needed. As stupid as that sounds. And because of that, I seem to say the wrong things more times than not...as a weak attempt to keep it going.

I do think Im at a point now where its getting easy for me not to take it personal. Which is a good thing. And I can think before I say something, which is saving me a lot of damage control :)

Words of Wisdom from a great friend

My last post was on Mothers Day. I had a wave of emotions come out of nowhere, and that left me wanting something...again. My friends comment on that post was:

If God put the desire in your heart, He wont dissappoint.

The last couple of months, the feeling of loneliness and wanting someone has been a pretty constant thing. And I never could put my finger on why all of a sudden, I was having these feelings. I thought maybe it was because of "the friend". Thats a pretty dangerous situation to put myself in. So I kind of blamed it on that. And, in reality, that probably plays a part in it. I mean, I like this guy. Or else we wouldnt be where we are now. And as Ive said before, he has every quality I would want in a man. If he decided he wanted more, I dont think Id hesitate...but I dont think thats all of it.
I am a completely different person now than I was a year ago. I am at a different place in my life. Ive finally been able to figure out who I am, without someone else. Ive figured out things about me that I never knew. I have been able to build a relationship with God...100% I know that to be happy with someone, we both have to be centered around God. I know what I want and what I dont want.
I hope learning and establishing all this is whats brought all of these new feelings on. Maybe God knows my heart is finally ready.

Im not really sure where I was going with this....I just read my friends comment, and that got me to thinking. Its still early in the day, and Im pretty sure after the girls go to bed, I will be back here.

What a lonely Mothers Day

I love mothers day. A day that celebrates everything good in my life. Being a mom to 2 wonderful kids. Having a mom that means the world to me. I had a great day at church, I walked out of there smiling as always. 3...yes 3 friends..told me Happy Mothers Day. And my mom and 2 sisters. Not that it means anything less that people dont tell me Happy Mothers Day, but I like to hear those things. My love-language is definately 'words of affirmation'
We had lunch at my sisters. Which was fun. I stopped at my best friends house on the way home to visit. We had a pretty long, eventful day. But I hate the feeling of loneliness that has followed me all day. I love my life, and I love being a mom. I cant even remember my life before I had kids. Being a mom is what Im meant to do. But today, on a day that is supposed to be so joyous and love-filled, I feel sad. Sad that I dont have someone to share it with. If you know me, you know I am a very independent person. I dont NEED someone. And there are very few days (though these days are creeping up more and more lately) that I feel like this. I hear all my mommy friends talk about what thier husbands got them for mothers day, what nice things they did, how they were pampered and treated like a queen :) Dont get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with my family. But I still came home alone. And had to cook dinner, and clean, and put the girls to bed by myself. No one was here to tell me how appreciated I am, or to help me with any of those things. Or to end my Mothers Day with.
Im not quite sure where this feeling came from. Maybe its just hearing about everyone else's day. And seeing families together, loving eachother. I hate to always want something I dont have. I hate that i cant just be 100% happy with the way things are. I hate the thought that I think I need someone to be happy. I know thats not true at all.
I hope this is just the mothers day blues, and it will go away. These days when I feel lonely are becoming more of a regular occurance though, and Im not liking it.

Happy Early Mothers Day

Today was our 2nd saturday outreach at church. To say it is an amazing experience, is an understatement. We volunteered at the Boys and Girls Town of Missouri. Brought new shoes, toys, underwear, socks...had an outdoor carnival, and painted thier bedrooms for them. I was on the painting team. I know, its a scary thought. Me + a paintbrush cant equal anything good. LOL. I was with a partner, someone I had not technically met before today. Ive seen her in passing at church, but thats it. We got to talking. I learned alot about her and her family. How long theyve been going to church, and what all they are involved in. I found it pretty easy to talk to her. She asked about me, my kids, my job, church. We talked about our faith and trials with God. And how both of us seem to have made it through to the other side stronger and better people. When she found out I was a single mom, she praised me. When she found out I lost my job and am still struggling and unemployed, but still willing to help people, she praised me. When she heard about my ex and the situation I had to leave, she praised me. When she heard how I still believe and trust in God despite a very rocky past year, how He is the center of my life, she praised me. She praised me for being strong, and loving, and giving, and selfless, and above all, trusting in God. I never see what I do as anything that deserves any kind of recognition. Its the life I live, and the life I choose to live. But hearing these words from a stranger, who could see what a great life I have because of this church and God, was a huge thing for me. She doesnt know how much she impacted me today, just listening and talking with me. I went to our 2nd Saturday Outreach today, excited to help kids who needed it. And I left there, with so much more. North Point has opened alot of doors for me. Introduced me to incredible people. Given me opportunities to be part of something big. But today, North Point gave me the best Mothers Day gift ever. Someone who opened my eyes to all the great things n my life.

Nothing a little staple gun action cant fix

Today was a really rough day for me...

I can sit here now and realize that everything that happened wasnt all that bad. Its just when one thing after another happens, its hard to take it all in and be calm about it. I went to see my mom for a little bit this afternoon. Then watched a friends little girls while she was at an appointment, got to see my sister for a little while this evening, and I also got to talk on the phone to my other sister for a few minutes. Thank goodness for my family today. :)
Emma is spending the night with grandma tonight, so its been just Mady and me. It seems lately, that the girls are gone alot. I know, there are 3 families that I have to share them with, but it feels like Ive hardly had them home with me this week. And Emma will be gone this weekend to her dads. It just feels wierd when they arent home. I enjoy like the first hour of alone time to get stuff done around here, but then Im just bored and lonely lol.

When Mady and I finally got home tonight, I decided to make my headboard that Ive been planning to for forever. I love when I get the urge for do-it-yourself projects. It was fun and turned out pretty good. Im proud of myself. And the staple gun was fun.... I should definately do more things that involve this. I was a little concerned that I was using this thing with no one here but Mady and I. I mean, lets face it, I am not the most coordinated person in the world. Anything could and probably would happen. But I survived, with no injuries. I did have a moment of stupidity when I couldnt figure out how to put more staples in....I eventually got it though lol.
At the end of a pretty crappy day, I have a beautiful little girl sleeping next to me on the couch, and a cool new headboard in my room. Its a good feeling :P

Blog to God WARNING: Full of complaints

There are some days I wake up in a crabby mood. And it ruins my whole day. Today, I didnt think was one of those days. I felt pretty good when I got up. Lounged around with the girlies, ate some yummy pancakes, put away laundry. All the happenings of a cheerful productive day. Then, without warning, sirens, or news flash of it coming, a hurricane of funk hit me. Its 12:30! I have way too much day left to be feeling like this. And Im not exactly sure why. Heres how the days negative events have unfolded.

The maintenence man comes to my door this morning...pounding on it instead of just knocking..to let me know he's shutting the water off for an hour. No big deal right? Only,its 3 hours later, and I still have no water. Josh, Emmas dad, texts me to let me know he will be getting Emma thursday. I remind him that sunday is Mothers Day, and my "scheduled" holiday....Im still mad at the fact that I have scheduled holidays with my own daughter. He reminds me that my "holiday" starts at 9am on Sunday. What kind of crap is that? I dont and never will understand how he gets away with what he does. And what judge in her right mind would grant him everything he asked for when he was MIA for 2 1/2 years. Im very bitter about this. And I know theres nothing I can do to change it. And talking about it does nothing but make me more angry. But, like I said, its a bad day, so Im just gonna. At this point Im crying....which, if you know me, I dont just cry for no reason. It takes a lot to break me down enough to get me crying. So i attempted to talk to a friend. Someone who is usually so good at cheering me up. And listening to me. Only he shot me down. But, I will add, now that I can think rational about it, he has good reason. And Im just selfish today. And I make something out of nothing. but thats a whole blog in itself. This kind of added the icing to the cupcake to make me go from bad to worse. In fact, as I sit here and type, I find myself crying. I dont like feeling like this. I dont like feeling weak, I dont like feeling like people can get to me, I dont like feeling vulnrable to let myself hurt. I spent too much of my life like that, and I refuse to let it sneek back in now. So, after all my self pity talk....its time to let it go.


Dear God,

Please fill my heart with peace today. Take away all my insecurities and hurt. Help me be strong and capable of handling what comes at me. Let me handle it with grace and love instead of anger and hate. Help me realize that I am human, and allowed to feel like this, and not take it personal. Give me patience to think before I speak. Give my friends and family patience and understanding, and not let me push them away. Bless the rest of my day with love and joy.
In your Sweet Holy name I pray
Amen

Out with the old...in with...No Just out with the old

I cleaned Emmas bedroom today before I went to pick the girls up from my sisters house. Not even 15 minutes after we got home, a toy tornado went through it. The entire toy box was dumped out, the rugs were thrown throughout the room, the kitchen was tipped over, the clothes had been taken out of the dresser, and all the bedding was off her bed. Seriously? How can that much damage happen in such a short time! I threaten to thow all the toys away if they dont get it cleaned up. I have to remind them to focus on the task at hand several times. 2 hours later....Im irritated from repeating myself, and there is still the aftermath of an F5 left scattered around the room.
How did my kids acquire so many toys? i really dont buy that many. Hmmmm. Gotta love grandparents. And do you ever notice granparents buy the noisy toys? Oh the piano and guitar. Those things couldve put me in a padded room. It was a glorious day when I heard a bzzzzzz noise instead of the out of tune music....they were coming to the end of thier life. The gratification I got from watching them hit the trash can was indescribable...A little disturbing, I know. The girls definately dont lack in the toy department. We could open our own chain of Toys R Us's. Im not exactly sure how to fix this problem. I hate cleaning them up everyday, the girls hate cleaning them up. But I dont want to just get rid of them. I do go through thier toys every couple months and weed out the crappy ones, the broken ones, the cheap ones, the happy meal toys...So I feel like the ones they do have are good and worth keeping. Maybe I should box half of them up, and put them away. Rotate them out every 6 months...then they would think they get new toys lol. Im not sure what its gonna take to prevent any future disasters, but I gotta figure it out....and soon.

Geez....Im such a coward

Last night, I seriously sat here for an hour and a half writing. At 1:45am, I hit the post button. With a few seconds of worry and hesitance...but I still did it. And, what do you know, the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was delete it. Im sure what I wrote wasnt hurting anyone....but me. And, come to think of it, if a certain someone read it, Im sure Id have some damage control to do. It is very possible, that in the 6 hours it was on here, that it was read. That makes me very nervous..and a little sick to my stomach.

Ahhh! I hate feeling like this! I hate feeling like I have to hide something......So much, that I cant even write about it to people who wouldnt even care.

So heres the deal. Without putting myself out there too much, Id still like to talk about this.

Go here...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=friends

I have a friend that has turned into this. Its actually a pretty sweet deal. I have this amazing man in my life....my bedroom life that is. But outside of that, hes pretty great too. He's "gorgeous" as my friends like to call him, an amazing listener, caring, genuine, a man of God, he can turn my mood around in a matter of minutes, makes me smile with the word "hi".......the epitome of MY perfect man. Id be lucky to find someone like him....well, I have, I just cant have him in that way I guess. Most days, this arrangement is great. I mean, Im not really interested in a serious relationship, but I do enjoy having someone around every now and then, and we are friends, we talk almost everyday, so thats really nice. But sometimes, I find myself wanting more. I think that may be a normal reaction. Its confusing sometimes, because I am not 100% sure that I even want more, but he makes me think about it. I try really hard not to complicate things, because we've had the conversation about what we want and dont want. Its not on his agenda to "be" with me...so I do a pretty good job at filtering my feelings out. Im sure that makes me sound bad. But Im content with how things are. Im probably setting myself up for disaster. I know this wont go on forever, and when it ends, I will lose a really good friend..which sucks. But, in the mean time, I should just enjoy it right?

That deserves a gold star

Yesterday, someone that I hadnt seen in a while, greeted me with "Glad to see you made it almost a year" and gave me a pat on the back....

It took me a minute to figure out why I was getting praised. Its been almost a year since I have embraced the term "single mom". I dont think about it that much. I had to kind of laugh at the pat on the back....Im not sure it warrants something that ranks up there with a congrats on learning to tie your shoes, but I guess Ill take it.
For some reason, it seems WAY longer than a year since everything happened. Thats probably a good thing though. I remember feeling like I was drowning at the time. My whole life had been turned upside down. The only life my kids had known was being taken from them. It was hard to see the bigger picture then. And know that everything would eventually get better. I think it was about 3 months in to our "new life", that it finally felt real. I hate to say that I held on to things for that long, but I did. There was just a day when I woke up, and it was ok. Just like everyone said would happen. Since then, me and the girls have survived 4th of July, birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter, and we've almost made it Mothers Day. All 3 of us seem to doing just fine with the way things are :) If you wouldve asked me 9 months ago if I thought we would be doing so well, my answer wouldve been no. Im glad Im not still stuck in that mind frame. So, maybe all that does deserve a pat on the back afterall.

A Fine Frenzy
"Almost Lover"

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
Im trying not to think about you
Cant you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Shouldve known youd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Pretty sure what I do isnt called praying

I have been praying my entire life. It all started with bedtime prayers...Now I lay me, down to sleep. Such a sweet innocent prayer. I didnt even know the meaning of it when I was little. My girls say the same prayer every night before bed. I can pray like theres no tomorrow for other people. Lead my womens group in prayer with no problem. But to actually sit down and pray for myself.....well thats another story. I seem to struggle with the format "Dear God, Amen". I find myself going on and on and on....and never really getting anywhere. So I gave up on formal praying. Its so much easier and fulfilling for me just to have daily ongoing conversations with God. And it helps remind me that God is present in everything I do. I can better deal with things at that very moment, than have to wait til later when I can bring it up again. I never really paid attention to how often I do this during the day, until recently. I like how easy it is for me, and how I do it without thinking. I think I can be more honest when talking to God this way, and more honest about asking for help and admitting when Ive done something wrong. My days are pretty long, and usually very much event-filled, so I cant imagine having to keep all of that bottled up for one prayer a day. If you know me at all, you know how long my list of "please forgive me's" is at the end of the day.....Not how I would want to recap my day if I have a choice lol. I think this has been on my mind a lot lately because I saw "Letters to God". Which, by the way, if you havent seen this movie, you need to. Its probably a good idea to bring a few tissues...or a whole box. On the website for this movie, they have a section where you can write your own letter to God. To thank Him, ask for His forgiveness, speak His praise, ask Him for help, guidance, love ect. I read through a few. Some super short, some kinda long. I thought it would be kind of nice to write out what I have to say. So I began my letter to God. Before I knew it, my "letter" had taken the shape of a full on short story. Who knew I had so much to say to God in one sitting. I know Im a pretty talkative person, but really? Im thankful that I know He never gets tired of hearing me. Any normal person woulve checked out of my conversations after the first round. Seeing, on the screen, in black and white, how much I need God everyday, makes me feel really lucky. Im lucky I have someone who listens to me whole heartedly, who does not judge me, who doesnt write me off because of the mistakes I make, who is always there for me no matter what, and who wants the very best for and from me. Its a pretty great thing...