Excuse me while I blog in bed

Its Monday night :) A few hours left of Memorial Day weekend. The start of this weekend was pretty bad to say the least. For whatever reason, I let a bunch of little stuff get to me. And I dont feel that Im 100% out of the clear of this "funk" Ive been in. But today was a good day. The girls slept in, and I actually got some sleep last night. After laying in bed for 2 hours, I finally gave in and took some benedryl. It seemed to work. I got about 7 1/2 hours of solid sleep for the first time in a very long time.

The girls and I kinda just hung out all morning. We didnt do much at all. It was a nice feeling. We headed to my sisters about 1pm for a family bbq, along with some fun games and yummy ice cream cake in tow. Friday, I casually invited "the friend" and his daughter to come. I had zero hope that they would. He just mentioned they didnt have plans, so it seemed kinda natural to say "You guys should come" After that, I didnt mention it again to him. And last night he asked what time it was, that they were thinking about coming. At 11:30 today, I asked if they were, and his reply-"Its a definate maybe" lol. At this point, I just assume they arent. There have been several occassions where this exact scenerio has occured, and nothing ever came from it. But turns out, he was serious. They came. We ate, the kids played in the pool. We played the infamous game in my family- Catchphrase. It was a really nice afternoon. I was kinda concerned about my private life merging with my personal life. But, nothing about it was wierd. I had to just kinda sit back and watch everything happen, because it was strange to see it play out....but not in a bad way. It made me happy :) I was fully prepared for a round of 20 questions from my family afterwards. They are usually pretty nosey. But, the only thing I got was, "They are super sweet people. Invite them to come again." Can we rewind and hear that again? My family, MY family, didnt ask a single question. Definately a good day :)

The girls were super good little girls when we got home. I got clean rooms out of both of them. We danced in the living room and Emma sang me her ever so imaginative songs. She makes them up as she goes. This little girl never fails me. Shes so smart, and so creative. And knows more than a 4 year old should know. Mady seemed to find it neccessary to cover me in kisses. And who could turn down her puckered up little face? I am slowly learning that my children know when I am sad and in a mood. They reflect how I act. And when I see that they are having a rough day again, I hope Im able to step back and take a look at myself to see whats going on.

Its days like this that make me so thankful for everything I have. I have a great life. I am constanly needing reminders like this. I find myself wanting everything I dont have more often than not. And the truth is, I have everything I need. Aside from a job maybe, but that will come soon enough too.

Make the madness stop

This week has been awful. Nothing is seeming to go right, my kids have embraced a new snotty attitude, my patience level is in the red, Ive been knocking on depressions door all week, Im not sleeping....Im seriously waiting on the world to come to an end.

I dont even know where to start.

The girls have left me wondering what Ive done so wrong as a parent. The way they have been acting is completely new to me. My oldest is down right defiant to me. She will tell me no, talk back, and purposely do things she knows is wrong. My youngest seems to be following right in her footsteps. I feel like I spend all day yelling at them. And that makes me feel like a horrible mom.

For the last couple of years, I have been dealing with psoriasis on my left arm. Its not been too bad, until last year. The funny thing is, it goes away in the winter, and comes back in the summer. Over the last few days, its started showing up again. I hate it. It looks disgusting. I wish I knew something to make it not be so bad. Or at least not look so bad.

Im still JOB-less. In the beginning, this didnt really bother me, but its definately starting to take its toll on me. I like working. And though the girls and I have enjoyed out mini vacation, I am ready to go back. I did get a little bit of good news tonight from a friend that will hopefully turn into a great opportunity for me.

The last month, I have hardly been sleeping. I think the most amount of sleep Ive had in one night, is 5 hours. Im not neccessarily tired from no getting sleep, but some nights I just wish I could get enough to where I feel rested. Last night, I went to bed at 930. I laid there until 12:30 trying to go to sleep. Then, 3 hours later, I wake up. And am wide awake...At 3:30am! I tried to force myself to go back to bed...4 hours later, I gave up and decided to just get up for the day. After working at church all day, I am exhausted. And I can feel it.

All the events that have happened this week have really started to stack up and work against me. Tonight, its finally caught up with me. I can feel myself heading into a place that Ive done so good to avoid. I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. Its never been extreme..I kinda just explain it as a "funk" Im in. It passes as quickly as it came on. And no one ever knows. I do a really good job of hiding it. Appearantly my "happy face" is really believable. But the last year, it has gotten worse. Probably because at night when the girls go to bed, its just me. Loneliness is never a good cure for depression. This time its lasted 2 whole days. I really hope tomorrow is better. Its Memorial Day. My family is having a BBQ. And I texted my sister today to tell her I wasnt going to make it. Which is what Im famous for when I feel like this. I shut people out...which makes it 10 times worse. Talking about all of it seems to be helping a little though. Now if I could just get some sleep tonight, I think I might be ok.

It rhymes with GLOVE

Do you ever have one of those days where you have a not so fun realization? Today is that day for me.

Warning: Dont read any further if your tired of hearing about the "friend" or are going to say those famous "I told you so" words....

Have you noticed that relationships were so much easier before all these networking sites got involved? If someone didnt talk to you for an entire day, you could just come to the logical conclusion that they fell off the face of the earth. Now, keeping that train of thought is hard when you can be secretly nosey. Here's the set up....

I talked yesterday about how "the friend" and I hadnt talked all day. I assumed he was really busy at work. We havent ever gone a whole day without talking. Plus, I do know he is going through a lot lately with his home life, so that seemed to pacify me. Until facebook. Yes, gotta love facebook. Nothing like being able to see what people are doing, who they are taking to, what they are saying.....dangerous. So, my reasoning as to why he hadnt talked to me was completely wrong. He wasnt busy...at least not too busy to like someone's seductive swimsuit picture....comment on several peoples statuses....and be socially networking his ass off. Knock knock..Whos there? Heartbreak sucker.

Why is this bothering me? We are just friends. I have no claim on him. And, where its easy for me to talk about how I feel about him in my blog, he wouldnt know any of that.

This is where the realization comes in. When I saw what he was doing and saying....and knowing he was blowing me off...that hurt me. For the past year, I have built this incredibly strong wall. No one has been able to get past it. I have dated...and the minute someone showed any kind of interest in me, I bailed. I have done so good at guarding my heart. And Ive been perfectly content with that. And then....he happened. And Im not trying to sound crazy and say that Im madly in love and forever want to be with this person...but he's the first person to make me feel this way in a very long time. And for someone to make me feel that in the slightest way, well he must be special. I dont know what that means. I dont know if it means anything. I have shut those feelings out and not allowed them to get in the way because I know he doesnt feel the same way. Maybe its just a really strong like for him? That sounds stupid. Does that mean I want more? Because you can L@*e a friend right?

I talked to him today. Not so much about this, but trying to figure out why he's shutting me out. And I told him that it hurt me. He said that was never his intent, and he wants things to be like they used to between us. He misses that. He lets his own insecurities get in the way. And this next statement is the kind of thing that makes my heart melt...."You are such a sweetheart and so amazing in so many ways." Ugh. Just when I thought ending this was the best answer, he says something like that to me. I did mention maybe we should stop, and he said "I enjoy you. Not just the...well you know, but you. Our friendship, your advice, talking to you.." And he's not the type of person to tell me what I want to hear to get what he wants, because there are several women I know that would take my place in a heartbeat. So this is where the confusion comes in. Why does he bother? I do not make things easy for him at all. But yet he sticks around for it. And I wish I knew why.

The end to a perfectly hectic monday

"It's just another manic Monday

I wish it was Sunday

Cause that's my funday

My I don't have to runday

It's just another manic Monday"

Have you ever had one of those days? The Bangles sure seem to know what Im talking about.

Around 3am, both girls came and crawled in bed with me...I had literally 12" of space on my queen size bed. They were both sleeping in the middle of the bed with a good 2 feet of open bed on the other side. Needless to say, around 7, I gave up trying to get any kind of good sleep, and just got up. The girls, on the other hand, slept in til 10.

I woke up to a disgustingly dirty house. Which I guess I should have been prepared for. It looked the same way when I went to bed. Too bad no one decided to break in and clean it in the middle of the night. With nothing better to do, I started in on disaster clean up. I will say, it looks 500 times better than it did, but I put off vacuuming and laundry. It at least resembles what my house used to look like. My mom and Ray brought over 2 dressers for Madys room and an entertainment center for Emmas room. So I also did a little furniture rearranging. My favorite thing to do. Seriously. LOL. My mom also brought me my down comforter today. !!!!!! I cant wait to go to bed. Its like sleeping under a cloud. And is so nice and cool in the summer :)

Mady has been a little sick today. Which is strange for me to deal with because the kid has an immune system like the terminator. She is never sick. She is the sweetest cuddliest little baby when she is though. After relaxing after cleaning, the girls and I made a yummy ice cream cake. It was beyond messy. There was ice cream and chocolate everywhere, but it tastes like pure heaven :) And a really good alternative to "regular cake" since thats on the list of gluten no-no's. We had a blast cooking dinner together. The girls had thier aprons on, and I realized after I saw how messy I got, that I need to invest in one of these also lol.

I didnt talk to "the friend" at all today. Usually he texts me good morning, or vice versa...but after he didnt, I just decided I wasnt going to today. And I never heard from him. I really do think he may be 'seeing' someone else. Which I honestly dont care about, but Ive told him if and when he does, that we are done. That is one thing Im not ok with. He assures me there is only me. But lately its been different. He's been different. Ive tried to give him an easy out, but he's persistant on keeping what we have. I dont understand him.

On top of that, I get an email from a guy I dated back in October (for a couple months) I havent talked to him since January when he drunk texted me on New Years. We talked for a few days, and then he basically tells me to leave him the hell alone..when I didnt contact him in the first place. He told me in his email that he was sorry about that, and that he was sorry about breaking up. I asked him today, why he is wanting to all of a sudden talk to me again....his response..."Everyone needs friends right?" Ummmm. Really?

I give up! Sometimes I wonder why God is teasing me with these people. The latter guy I can live without. But the former...its like He's dangling him in front of me but I can never reach him. Funny.....Or not.

Anyway. This is where I get to the part of the end of my day. Im sitting here drinking a glass of Cherry wine...Ive never had it before, and havent decided it I like it or not yet. But its quiet in my house, and I can sit and look back on a crazy monday, and at least be thankful for it. It was busy, and hectic, and a little stressful at times. But I imagine Id be pretty bored if it was slow and quiet, and peaceful all day. :) Im off to bed, and to mentally prepare myself for the next worst day of the week....terrible tuesday. (i must research to see if there is a song about tuesday)

Once again, HE does not fail me

I was so hurt and confused about the whole birthday party situation. And Im not even sure why. I have been doing good with all this...or so I thought. All day , this was weighing on my heart. I prayed, asking for guidance and answers and to be able to deal with it in a calm matter. In the late afternoon, I think those prayers were answered. I was able to come to the decision that letting the girls go to this birthday party with thier family is not the worst thing in the world. And, that theyd like to go, and will have fun. Its not hurting anything for the moment. And, until everyone proves otherwise, theres nothing that has happened recently to make me fear anything. So I am trusting thier grandma to take them. And take care of them. And I can honestly say that Im ok with this.

Later that night, I got a text from Emmas dad about her summer visitation with him. 3 weeks. Seriously? After the hurdle I was just faced with and able to overcome...lets test me a little more. Please :) But you know what? I am ok with this too. I am able to look at it like this.....They (Emmas dad and step mom) deserve to get to see her as much as I do. They've messed up in the past, but they deserve the chance to make it right for Emma, and I owe it to Emma to give them that chance. Emma will get to spend time with her brother and sister and 2 step sisters, see her grandparents, and the rest of her family there. This is a good thing. For everyone.

What to do.....

My ex's parents are really involved in the girls' life. The girls go visit them every week and spend the night with them on occassion. Me and Connie (Kanen's mom) have had several fall outs in the past. Most shave been since her son and I split up. She has betrayed me, went behind my back, lied to me...The little bit of trust I had in her, is gone. The girls spent the night with her last night, and she called me this morning to let me know she was on her way to bring the girls home. Before she hung up, she told me the girls had been invited to Kanens stepson's birthday party sunday night, and she wanted to know if she could take them. She had to add in that both her and the girls' grandpa will be there, and she knows April (the wife) was in the wrong, but Aprils realized that, and has "changed"......I told her Id really have to think about it. She said she hopes I make the right CHRISTIAN choice...like letting my kids go see a man that is an alcoholic and an abuser is the right christian thing to do! She said because a christian forgives....and a good christian woman would want her children's dad to be in thier life. So shes playing the guilt trip on me...and like always, its working. I DO NOT want my children to go over there. They havent seen them since the beginning of January..theres no reason to go to a birthday party. And then, she tells Emma to tell me she wants to go...so that doesnt help.

I know they will be ok. I know Connie and Larry will take care of them. Its just so hard with everything that they have been through...that Ive been through, to let him back in. I am seeing the damage caused by Emmas dad. He has been less than constant in Emmas life, but he's recently been better about this. I have prayed and prayed for God to have a hand in his life and his life with Emma. And for me to be able to have the strength to make it through it. I finally was given a sense of peace in my heart, and could be happy that he was doing the right thing. And then this weekend, he cancelled. Emma asked if she was going to Daddy Joshs and I had to tell her no. Despite all the struggles shes been through, I could see the hurt on her face and this broke my heart all over again. I feel so helpless in these situations because I cant protect my girls from this kind of hurt. And I know I cant. I can only be here for them, and make sure they have love and security from me. And trust that the other people in thier life are making the same choices.

This one question today, opened up all these feelings Ive been doing so good with conquering. My heart is hurting for these 2 precious little girls that are being affected by other peoples stupid choices in life. I not only feel guilty about this, but I feel guilty that I may be doing the wrong thing. Im being selfish and doing what I feel is best. But is it really whats best? I feel like I am failing. As a parent right now, and as Gods child. If I was doing the right thing, the thing that pleases God, then Im positive I wouldnt have this doubt in my heart. I just pray that Im able to think things through and not be forced to do something I dont feel comfortable with, and that God will once again give me answers and the peace I am seeking.

Figuring out what we are...labels :/

In the middle of a conversation with "the friend" today, he said the word LOVERS. I responded with "good thing Im not considered your lover then" And he wanted to know what I am then. I dont know? Im someone you talk to when you want some. Im your FWB...only without the friend part lately. What do I say to this? And is it really neccessary to label what we are? I mean, I KNOW what we are. And this conversation has put a serious spin to our fun relationship. Dont get me wrong, we've hit our fair share of bumps along the way, but nothing like this. Ive tried to talk to him about this before. But he just jokes. And now, all of a sudden, he's concerned about it?? This guy is so confusing. Im finally at a point where Im used to him and whats going on, and can fully enjoy it, and he's going to start in with the uncertainty. Grrr. I never knew this would be so complicated.....OK, maybe I did, but still.