What to do.....

My ex's parents are really involved in the girls' life. The girls go visit them every week and spend the night with them on occassion. Me and Connie (Kanen's mom) have had several fall outs in the past. Most shave been since her son and I split up. She has betrayed me, went behind my back, lied to me...The little bit of trust I had in her, is gone. The girls spent the night with her last night, and she called me this morning to let me know she was on her way to bring the girls home. Before she hung up, she told me the girls had been invited to Kanens stepson's birthday party sunday night, and she wanted to know if she could take them. She had to add in that both her and the girls' grandpa will be there, and she knows April (the wife) was in the wrong, but Aprils realized that, and has "changed"......I told her Id really have to think about it. She said she hopes I make the right CHRISTIAN choice...like letting my kids go see a man that is an alcoholic and an abuser is the right christian thing to do! She said because a christian forgives....and a good christian woman would want her children's dad to be in thier life. So shes playing the guilt trip on me...and like always, its working. I DO NOT want my children to go over there. They havent seen them since the beginning of January..theres no reason to go to a birthday party. And then, she tells Emma to tell me she wants to go...so that doesnt help.

I know they will be ok. I know Connie and Larry will take care of them. Its just so hard with everything that they have been through...that Ive been through, to let him back in. I am seeing the damage caused by Emmas dad. He has been less than constant in Emmas life, but he's recently been better about this. I have prayed and prayed for God to have a hand in his life and his life with Emma. And for me to be able to have the strength to make it through it. I finally was given a sense of peace in my heart, and could be happy that he was doing the right thing. And then this weekend, he cancelled. Emma asked if she was going to Daddy Joshs and I had to tell her no. Despite all the struggles shes been through, I could see the hurt on her face and this broke my heart all over again. I feel so helpless in these situations because I cant protect my girls from this kind of hurt. And I know I cant. I can only be here for them, and make sure they have love and security from me. And trust that the other people in thier life are making the same choices.

This one question today, opened up all these feelings Ive been doing so good with conquering. My heart is hurting for these 2 precious little girls that are being affected by other peoples stupid choices in life. I not only feel guilty about this, but I feel guilty that I may be doing the wrong thing. Im being selfish and doing what I feel is best. But is it really whats best? I feel like I am failing. As a parent right now, and as Gods child. If I was doing the right thing, the thing that pleases God, then Im positive I wouldnt have this doubt in my heart. I just pray that Im able to think things through and not be forced to do something I dont feel comfortable with, and that God will once again give me answers and the peace I am seeking.