This week has been awful. Nothing is seeming to go right, my kids have embraced a new snotty attitude, my patience level is in the red, Ive been knocking on depressions door all week, Im not sleeping....Im seriously waiting on the world to come to an end.
I dont even know where to start.
The girls have left me wondering what Ive done so wrong as a parent. The way they have been acting is completely new to me. My oldest is down right defiant to me. She will tell me no, talk back, and purposely do things she knows is wrong. My youngest seems to be following right in her footsteps. I feel like I spend all day yelling at them. And that makes me feel like a horrible mom.
For the last couple of years, I have been dealing with psoriasis on my left arm. Its not been too bad, until last year. The funny thing is, it goes away in the winter, and comes back in the summer. Over the last few days, its started showing up again. I hate it. It looks disgusting. I wish I knew something to make it not be so bad. Or at least not look so bad.
Im still JOB-less. In the beginning, this didnt really bother me, but its definately starting to take its toll on me. I like working. And though the girls and I have enjoyed out mini vacation, I am ready to go back. I did get a little bit of good news tonight from a friend that will hopefully turn into a great opportunity for me.
The last month, I have hardly been sleeping. I think the most amount of sleep Ive had in one night, is 5 hours. Im not neccessarily tired from no getting sleep, but some nights I just wish I could get enough to where I feel rested. Last night, I went to bed at 930. I laid there until 12:30 trying to go to sleep. Then, 3 hours later, I wake up. And am wide awake...At 3:30am! I tried to force myself to go back to bed...4 hours later, I gave up and decided to just get up for the day. After working at church all day, I am exhausted. And I can feel it.
All the events that have happened this week have really started to stack up and work against me. Tonight, its finally caught up with me. I can feel myself heading into a place that Ive done so good to avoid. I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. Its never been extreme..I kinda just explain it as a "funk" Im in. It passes as quickly as it came on. And no one ever knows. I do a really good job of hiding it. Appearantly my "happy face" is really believable. But the last year, it has gotten worse. Probably because at night when the girls go to bed, its just me. Loneliness is never a good cure for depression. This time its lasted 2 whole days. I really hope tomorrow is better. Its Memorial Day. My family is having a BBQ. And I texted my sister today to tell her I wasnt going to make it. Which is what Im famous for when I feel like this. I shut people out...which makes it 10 times worse. Talking about all of it seems to be helping a little though. Now if I could just get some sleep tonight, I think I might be ok.
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