Do you ever have one of those days where you have a not so fun realization? Today is that day for me.
Warning: Dont read any further if your tired of hearing about the "friend" or are going to say those famous "I told you so" words....
Have you noticed that relationships were so much easier before all these networking sites got involved? If someone didnt talk to you for an entire day, you could just come to the logical conclusion that they fell off the face of the earth. Now, keeping that train of thought is hard when you can be secretly nosey. Here's the set up....
I talked yesterday about how "the friend" and I hadnt talked all day. I assumed he was really busy at work. We havent ever gone a whole day without talking. Plus, I do know he is going through a lot lately with his home life, so that seemed to pacify me. Until facebook. Yes, gotta love facebook. Nothing like being able to see what people are doing, who they are taking to, what they are saying.....dangerous. So, my reasoning as to why he hadnt talked to me was completely wrong. He wasnt busy...at least not too busy to like someone's seductive swimsuit picture....comment on several peoples statuses....and be socially networking his ass off. Knock knock..Whos there? Heartbreak sucker.
Why is this bothering me? We are just friends. I have no claim on him. And, where its easy for me to talk about how I feel about him in my blog, he wouldnt know any of that.
This is where the realization comes in. When I saw what he was doing and saying....and knowing he was blowing me off...that hurt me. For the past year, I have built this incredibly strong wall. No one has been able to get past it. I have dated...and the minute someone showed any kind of interest in me, I bailed. I have done so good at guarding my heart. And Ive been perfectly content with that. And then....he happened. And Im not trying to sound crazy and say that Im madly in love and forever want to be with this person...but he's the first person to make me feel this way in a very long time. And for someone to make me feel that in the slightest way, well he must be special. I dont know what that means. I dont know if it means anything. I have shut those feelings out and not allowed them to get in the way because I know he doesnt feel the same way. Maybe its just a really strong like for him? That sounds stupid. Does that mean I want more? Because you can L@*e a friend right?
I talked to him today. Not so much about this, but trying to figure out why he's shutting me out. And I told him that it hurt me. He said that was never his intent, and he wants things to be like they used to between us. He misses that. He lets his own insecurities get in the way. And this next statement is the kind of thing that makes my heart melt...."You are such a sweetheart and so amazing in so many ways." Ugh. Just when I thought ending this was the best answer, he says something like that to me. I did mention maybe we should stop, and he said "I enjoy you. Not just the...well you know, but you. Our friendship, your advice, talking to you.." And he's not the type of person to tell me what I want to hear to get what he wants, because there are several women I know that would take my place in a heartbeat. So this is where the confusion comes in. Why does he bother? I do not make things easy for him at all. But yet he sticks around for it. And I wish I knew why.
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