Single Mama Blues

I figured Id take a little break from my book for a minute.

Today, for some reason, has been a tough day. Which is nothing new. It happens from time to time. I have been struggling with the girls a lot lately. Emma is acting out big time, and I just dont know how to handle her. I get angry that she doesnt listen, and I sometimes forget that shes just 4. And this....makes me feel like Im failing as a mom. I shouldnt be losing my temper, or expecting so much from them, or focusing on all the bad stuff they do....I should be able to keep it together for them. But this is far from whats happening lately. Im not quite sure where I lost that. But to see how my attitude and actions are affecting my children is like a slap in the face. As a mom, and especially as a single mom, Im not allowed to feel this way. Im not allowed to feel like I have lost control. And Im definately not allowed to feel like Ive failed.

In the beginning of the week, I really tried to reach out to my own mother. Looking for some kind of support and encouragement. Only she responded with the exact opposite. This kind of reaffirmed my feelings of failure. Because she wasnt understanding. And offered no words of advice, or comfort.

Sometimes, I hate being a single mom. And not because I need someone to help raise my kids. But because it would just be nice to have someone here. To be able to relax with someone at the end of the day, and be told Im appreciated...that Im not doing such a bad job. And for someone to return an I love you every once in a while.

I should be happy with how things are. But its hard not to want something more. I love my kids more than anything, but I still feel like theres something missing sometimes. All of my friends are married. I am the only single mom in our little mommy group. And sometimes things they say really get to me. Like how they cant deal with thier husbands being gone, or needing help when they are..... or not being meant to work, but meant to be a stay at home mom...Or how they cant wait for the time of day when thier husbands get home and give them a break..Or not being able to sleep alone. Or they talk about how great and helpful thier husbands are...But they quickly recant thier statements and justify it with me being strong enough to handle being a single mom. Thats not the case at all. I just do it because I have no other choice. I have to. For myself and my kids. I dont do it because I want to.

This is not something that has been a huge deal to me forever. In fact, I tell myself all the time, that its so much easier being single and not having to deal with someone else. But Im finding that I want that. Ugh. This being single thing lately, has been affecting me more than I would like to admit. And now, its rolling over into what I think about being a single mom. Surely there is a reason this is coming up all of a sudden. If not, lets brainstorm a way to make it go somewhere else.