Learning to let go

2 weeks. I know. Your tired of hearing about this. Trust me when I say, Im tired of having to write about it. Im tired of feeling like Im missing something. Im tired of feeling hurt. Im tired of it all.

We are no longer the friends we used to be. It was a good try. On both our parts I think. But its not the same. I still expect it to be like it was. For some reason, thats not allowed I guess.

People come and go all the time. Pop in and out of my life. Im used to it. I purposely detatch myself from anyone. Not the ideal way to live, but it seems to work for me at the moment. It lets me focus on other stuff instead of people. Which is exactly what I did. I did everything in the right order. Focused on my kids, my job...making a life for us. Creating stability for us. Deepening my relationship with God. Learning about myself and who I was outside of a relationship. I focused on building my friendships, surrounding myself with good people. And grew closer to my family. None of this was an overnight accomplishment. It took almost a year to establish all of this, and grow from all of this. I didnt hurry through it trying to get to the other side. I was happy with my life right where it was.

I have been so afraid of losing him (the friend) this whole time. But why? I mean seriously...Why? 4 months. Its not like Ive known him that long. I cant explain it. I dont understand why he is so different from everyone else. Why I let myself open up. He's asked me the same thing. Why am I so afraid of losing him..why I feel so close to him...he seems to think its the "bond" we created when we had sex. I have NEVER felt connected to someone or close to someone because of sex. Thats not how I see sex. Maybe now, after all my reading and learning about it. But I wasnt raised to view sex as something special. So I never treated it like that with a man. It was just something I did, because thats what you do? I dont know. My point is, thats not why I feel so close to him.

So...

This is something I am not able to say to him. Im not sure why. But let me lay this out for you.

I met this guy at church. My second home. Someplace that Im so passionate about. He talked to me about my bow business. Really? Who cares about hairbows....especially a bald 37 year old man? He took the time to get to know me and find out what I like, dont like, what makes me happy and sad...And I was able to get to know him. Our friendship evolved into something amazing. He was the one I found myself going to for comfort in certain situations, because I knew he understood. I was able to be there for him as well. And our friendship was centered around God. And, risking sounding like a 14 year old girl...he seriously could make me smile no matter what kind of mood I was in. I have never, and I mean never, had something like this with anyone. So why wouldnt I be afraid to loose all of this? And, I will add this last part reluctantly. It will refer back to my *it rhymes with glove* post. But somewhere along the course of all this, my heart got involved. Because of everything I just said about him. Because hes the kind of man I want in my life. Because he makes me think the L word really does exist. I dont regret any of that. Because it is such a good feeling to know Im capable of that.

But this is the point where its not so fun. Things arent the same. My feelings havent changed. But something has. The "friends" thing. He has been persistant in reassuring me that we will always be friends. And he wants us to get back where we used to be. And be able to be so close. But the events that have occured in the last week are pushing me further and further away from him. And its hurting me like crazy.

How do you let go of something you thought you were so sure about? I feel like Im giving up if I do, but if I keep holding on, Im just hurting myself more in the end. Im losing either way. Im trying. I really am. And I know it will probably get easier the more time goes by, but right now...it sucks.