Can someone break your heart if they never fully had it?

Today was the day. I knew it was coming. I really did. After yesterday, I knew it. And I did nothing to prepare myself for it.

This whole time, I knew I was playing with fire. Setting myself up for disaster. But its hard to remember that in the middle of the good times.

When I first met "the friend", it was nothing but casual conversation. Our friendship quickly grew, and it was so easy to trust him and talk to him. At the moment I felt myself opening up, I prayed and asked God to take control of whatever happened. When I give God control, He never fails me. I have learned this lesson over and over again. So I didnt hesitate when it came to my heart. Eventually, our friendship turned intimate. But that was as far as it got. Friends with benefits. Again, I went to God with this. I prayed and asked why he was in my life. And if I was going to get hurt, to please interfere. Nothing. So this went on for just about 4 months. Our friendship grew more and more. Even minus the sex. I had this amazing guy that was there for me no matter what. There were several times, when we hit bumps, that I doubted what we were doing. But it was good the way it was for the most part. I was happy. I enjoyed him. And I was thankful I was finally feeling like this again.

Then, as you know, I let my feelings get too involved. But it was all good as long as he didnt know that. No reason to scare him away and lose everything...I was ok with that.

After I came to realize this, it all fell apart. I was all over the place. And for good reason. He was shutting down more and more. I had a brief moment of hope over the holiday weekend. But I think that seemed to just add fuel to the fire.

And here we are at Wednesday. The morning started off good. We were textng each other like usual. Then 9:30am came around. This is when the serious talk started. But I dont think I was ready to hear what was coming. The struggles he has been having....is with God. How can I be mad at that? How can I not be understanding? I feel guilty that I have made him do something he feels so strongly against. And..then, when he so clearly points out that what we have been doing is wrong in the eyes of God...I wonder why I dont have those feelings. I know its wrong. But here's the sad part. I cant help but feel angry. Angry at God. Angry at him (the friend) Couldnt all of this happened sooner than later. Im hurt that he is choosing something that doesnt involve me. This is so selfish of me. I dont understand how we can be such great friends, and been through what we have, and yet he still doesnt want anything more. It hurts that it is so easy for him to let go. He is very reassuring that he wants to still be friends, but I question if he really does or not.

So, 2 hours of sitting here, writing, talking to him, and trying to figure it all out....I am no better off than I was when all of it started this morning. There are so many emotions going through me. I know it was just sex. And that we can and probably will still be great friends without it. Which is what I want. I just need to move passed all of these feelings and trust that its the right thing to do.