I cant believe I have gone so long without blogging! LOL. Usually, I have time to sit and write about stuff, but this week hasnt really allowed that. I am very thankful for this right now :)
My friends came in from Tulsa Monday for vacation. I was so excited when they told me they were coming here. We had a blast. We took the kids to do tons of fun stuff (swimming, Jump Mania, Movies) ate lots of yummy food, stayed up late talking about girl stuff, painted toenails, had a fun girls night with no kids that included tattoos and an amazingly yummy and entertaining dinner at Fujis (a hibachi japanese steakhouse). It was a great week. Lots of fun memories made.
FYI: on my new tattoo :)
I got the scripture Matthew 28:20 on my right foot. It the middle of this amazing scripture it says-I am with you always. This has always stood out to me. And now I will never be able to forget, that no matter what I go through, I am never alone :)
I will add....it hurt like crazy on my foot. I expected it to hurt, but not as bad as it did!
I have really taken the last 2 weeks to refocus my life and get back in the right direction. It has not been fun, and this is something that I am struggling with a lot. But Im getting there. I finished my Sex and the Soul of a Woman book. (I will have to catch up on my blogs about that) And though I have been discovering some pretty amazing things in this book, and about myself, Im still having a hard time letting go of "the friend" You know, for months I have referred to him as that. But "friend" is the furthest thing from what he was. So, Im just going to put it out there and not be afraid of who knows. "The friend"=Damon. And this may not be a shock to you, because appearantly people at church have thought we were involved this whole time anyway. So there you go. He finally has a name. And I dont have to feel ashamed or feel like I have to hide it for his sake. :)
Anyway. Where was I?
I finished the book. And I could see how I wanted this to apply to my life. And that I deserve everything it talked about.
But I still am holding on to Damon. And I dont know why. I mean, even though I was also involved in making the wrong choices with him, he hurt me. And left me in a situation to go through on my own that I never should have had to do by myself. I thought he was so much more different than that. I obviously gave him more credit than he deserved. Hes not any different from any other guy who just wants sex. Our friendship meant nothing to him. And I can see now, how he used that against me. So here I am, knowing what I NEED to do, and still not wanting to do it.
Heres what Ive come to learn.
I made excuses for what I was doing and justifying it. Because I thought he was safe and a better choice than all the other guys that had come along before him. Because I met him at church. Because we talked about God all the time. We talked about our walk, and our stumbles, and struggles. But I realize now, that even though I felt so connected to him because of God, that he was actually taking me away from God. I was sacrificing my relationship with God, for a relationship with him...at least I did that the minute sex was entered the picture. I suffered a great deal because of this. I know that Damon may not have to be excluded from my life forever, but for the moment, I am working on cutting all ties with him. We are not friends on facebook, I have no contact with him, I deleted him as a contact on my email, and the last thing to do is delete his phone number. Which I have not done. Yet. But right now, this is not hard for me to do. Because I have come to learn a new side of Damon that is a liar, a hypocrite, and a cheater. Although its hard for me to completely let him go, this definately helps make it a little easier. And Im realizing that letting him go means a lot of pain for a little while (and letting God heal me), instead of holding on and dealing with a dull aching pain for a long time. As my friend puts it-"Rip the bandaid off Dawn!" :) So thats what Im ready to do.
I can see it now, thank goodness, that Gods plan in all of this mess was to remind me that He needs to be first in my heart. To open my eyes and see how Im hurting myself, and to allow me to feel like I deserve the best in a man, and I still deserve and will get the kind of love Ive always wanted.
I will add these 2 quotes..someone shared them with me. And they are so true.
"In most Christian relationships, we are so caught up in our feelings for the other person that we unwittingly squeeze God into the background. It becomes a confusing, emotional mess, and we wonder why God isn't giving us more direction, when all the while He is there, waiting to be allowed back into FIRST place in our hearts. Only when He is truly in first place are we ready for a God-written love story."
"The godly young men I've spoken with believe that if young women started keeping their standards high rather than settling for mediocre men, guys would be FORCED to make serious changes to their masculinity [we make it too easy for them]. And even if you are mocked, ridiculed, or ignored because of your stand, you can be sure that God will honor your decision. He paid for the treasure of your heart with His own blood. You disregard His amazing sacrifice for you when you allow your femininity to be trampled in the mud [which happens every time we have sex outside of marriage]. YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING, so hold out for a man who has royal blood coursing through his veins."
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