Chapter 5: Stepping on eachothers toes
A quote to give insight to what this chapter is all about. Take a deep breath...let it out...now read on.
Carelessly, thoughtlessly, casually, sex--in the short space of a single generation-- went from being the culminating act of committed love to being a precondition, a tryout, for future involvement. If any.---Danielle Crittenden
Hmm. Chapter 5. One that definately makes you think. But, its not all bad, so bare with me. This is going to be long.
Whether you call it courting, dating, or hanging out, there is no experience quite like falling in love. The secret longing of every woman's heart is to be wooed and won. This is the heart of romance. Being tuned for the beauty of relationship is what makes us also so acutely aware of the travesty when things turn cheap and ugly. There is surely nothing beautiful about a broken heart.
When sex is introduced into a relationship outside of marriage, immediately the stakes are reaised. The one who is penalized is the one whose heart is most involved, and the person on top is the one who actually cares the least. The beauty of the "dance" is jeopardized when you have to wonder if a man would be interested in you, just you, without a sexual relationship, when you feel like you have to give sex to get love, when there is no freedom to just get to know someone without the pressures to be sexual.
When you allow sex to be part of a dating relationship, it invites men to be their worst selves. He has nothing to work for. He doesnt feel the need to pull out a chair, open a door, or sit and talk to you for hours about nothing. This used to be the bare minimum in a man you'd think twice about. Now, it doesnt even make the list of requirements.
Have you ever noticed that in some way a man wants you to expect the world from him? He sees when we have expectations of him, someone who believes the best about him. And if you see him as a guy worthy of respect, able to look out for you and others, someone who has his head together, then he believes it a little more of himself.
"A man should be gentle around a woman. Thats part of what it means to be a man"
Devaluing yourself as a woman-this would be me
Always waiting for the guy to find something wrong with you and move on...this usually comes from the lips of someone who has had a parade of men through her life (my parade isnt that long...but still)-a string of sexual relationships-and the hope she has given up is about herself. She no longer sees herself as a woman who has something wonderful to offer a man. At the bottom of her soul sits a statement like this: "I dont deserve to be loved"
There is no self-help remedy available to get rid of this feeling. Just one man who's love is bigger and deeper than any other. The cleansing, restoring love of Jesus.
Read John 8:1-8:11 Jesus did not turn this woman away because of her sins. The very same sins I have. Instead, he took them all away. Gave her a brand new fresh start in life...and told her to leave those sins behind. Jesus does not turn away. He steps right in to the mess we have made and offers us mercy. He gives us the power to live a different life. Out of this place where we have been loved in shame, we come to know ourselves as women worthy of love. And this love changes everything.
Knowing yourself as a woman worthy of love is a very different place from which to relate to a man. The secret of most relationships is that others follow our cues. If we have been embraced by a love as vast and powerful as the love of Jesus, we will know what to hope for from a man.
Chapter 5 Questions
2. How do you sense that sex raises the stakes in a relationship?
- Sex brings along feelings of jealousy, and hurt. It makes you question yourself.
3. What would it mean in your life to expect more in your relationships with men?
- I dont really expect anything in relationships. Though Im learning that doesnt benefit either party. I think expecting more would be to spend time with someone. To actually do stuff together, and learn about eachother....see another side of someone. All outside of the bedroom
5. Think about the woman who was dragged before Jesus by a mob intent on stoning her for adultery. What stands out in the way Jesus treated her? What in this account draws you to Jesus?
-He didnt automatically turn her away for her sins. He made her see and say outloud that no one else hasnt been in her shoes. And that he so easily forgave her, and let her live a life free of her past choices.
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