If you find my sanity, could you please return it

"Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawl." - Ann Landers


Today has been another day of "reflection" on my current relationship.

So, "the friend" (maybe one day I can actually say his name) went to my family bbq yesterday. It was fun. After he left, I didnt hear from him the rest of the night. Not a big deal. I knew him and his daughter had plans. So I didnt hear from him this morning like I usually do. Great. Another day where he ignores me. Ugh. This gets old. I went about my day. (Had a great interview for a job fyi) And went to the dr for this skin eating disease that is taking over my arm (more on that later) And around 1, I finally gave in and text him.....told him my interview went good. He said -"awesome! Been thinking about you." Hmmm. Really? Because I havent heard from you since yesterday??? We talked a little more about small stuff, and I ask him what he's doing later tonight. He said "Not really sure. Probably just hanging with the kid" I try to be playful at this point, and was shot down hard. He finally explains when he gets like this that he struggles between right and wrong....Its nothing towards me at all. It just hits him sometimes. --What does this mean? You know, this isnt the first time he's acted like this. But it doesnt happen very often. I try really hard to be understanding. He's very open about it and I eventually get it out of him that he is dealing with these feelings. But it still doesnt make me feel any better when he ignores me and shuts me out.


Ugh. I wish this could just be fun and uncomplicated like it used to be! I had a good conversation with my best friend and later my sister about this today. Both gave pretty good advice. I dont want to end what we have. I like it, I enjoy it, I like him and I enjoy him. I just need to learn to filter out my feelings and think before I speak. I think when he doesnt talk to me, I feel like Im not in control of the situation. Which I have issues with. And just talking about it with someone else gave me a new perspective on the situation.
I also thought about some of the feelings I was having yesterday having him around my family. It was a pretty scary scene in the beginning. And I realized that we had just taken it to a whole other level. Maybe he's just having the same feelings? And he obviously deals with them differently than me. Im a talker...and he is definately a quiet thinker. So, this is where I try out a new approach. I sit, and wait for him to get out of this mode...I dont make it worse. I dont over react. I dont drive myself crazy thinking of all the could be's. I dont want to do something that is going to jeopardize us (for lack of better words) right now. Seems like a good plan for the time being.